
Class _r&S_3_S^ 
Book.^iLttJM3. 



COPYR IGHT DEMSflt 



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A MAN'S FAMILY 

A Satiric Comedy Drama, 
in Three Acts. 



By Moses L. and Dorothy Malevinskt. 



A 



Copyrighted — ^December, 1918 

By MOSES L. AND DOROTHY MALBVINSKT 

AU rights reserved. 



SIS! tZ 03g 






ACT 1. 
A Late Afternoon in June, 1914, 

ACT II. 

A Morning in August, 1914. 

ACT III. 
A Morning in September, 1914. 




OEC 



c<? 



''918 



THE CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY IN THE 
ORDER IN WHICH THEY FIRST SPEAK. 

Sandy McPherson. 

An American of Scotcli ancestry, 45 years 
old. 

A friend of the Smith family. 

Associated with John Smith in many busi- 
ness investments. 

Speaks with a decided Scotch accent. 

John Smith. 

A strong, virile American type. 
Scotch-Irish ancestry. 
46 years old — wears glasses. 
Constant smoker of cigars and pipe, nervous 
successful lawyer with business interests. 

WilUain Smith. 

Son of John and Mary Smith, twin brother 
of Emily — 22 years old — dynamic — determined 
American boy, clean cut^ well groomed col- 
legiate, speaks rapidly. 

Emily Smith. 

William's twin sister — very pretty blonde, 
up-to-date girl — music in her voice, music in 
her soul. 

Tom Higgins. 

William's pal and classmate — similar type — 
phlegmatic — speaks slowly, easy going — New 
En<>hind drawl — 24 years old. 



Mary Smith. 

Wife of John Smith. 
Gentle American mother. 

Antonio Martinelli. 

Vocal and dramatic coach. 

Aunt Polly, 

John Smith's elder spinster sister. 

Jacques. 

A chef — a demonstrator. 

Francois. 

Assistant to Jacques. 

Andrew Robinson. 

Confidential secretary to John Smith. 

Robert Gilles. 

An English gentleman, a bachelor client of 
John Smith. A widower. 

Edward Gilles. 

Brother of Robert. 

Mrs. Thornton, 

A rich widow — handsome — client of John 
Smith. 

Howo/rd Johnstone, 

A real estate operator and trader. 

Peter Smeher. 

A brewer — fat, rotund and German. 



CLD 50911 



lAO \ 



ACT I. 

Discovered : 

Living room in John Smith's home, 
Madison Avenue near 30th Street, New 
York City, to the rear left, an ornate 
staircase up — to the right — large indi- 
vidual mantel and fireplace — ^table in 
center, ornate bookcases — fine bindings 
on books — artistic lamps — pictures — 
rugs — easy chairs — front, Center, a 
cross faced old fashioned settee, sev- 
eral bronze figures. 

Bandy, 
Lucky dog, John — lucky dog you are. 

John, 
Come, now, old pal — don't begrudge me. 

Bandy, 
As if I would. 

John, 
Hard work all my life — deserves some reward. 

Bandy, 
Hard work fifty per cent. — good luck fifty per 
cent. You've been pretty lucky — at least fifty-fifty. 

John, 
One can't succeed without some luck — if that's 
the name for it. 

Bandy, 
Some call it luck — some fate — others accident — 
one name is as good as another. 



John. 
hard to tell wl 
besfins. 



It's hard to tell when light ends and darkness 



6 



^andy. 
Most things in this world are in the twilight 
zone. 

John. 
All of my life — IVe had to get down on my knees 
and pull things out of the ground with my teeth — 
not much luck in that — that's plain hard work. 

Randy. 
I've noticed you generally have things break your 
way. 

John. 
To a certain extent we can control our destiny. 

SoMdy. 
Whether we can or not is a serious question — at 
any rate in the game of life — there's only winning 
and losing — you win — 

John. 
No game is won — until its played out. 

Sandy. ■ 
No man is completely successful or completely 
happy. 

Jolin. 
As long as one is on the firing line, one may be 
shot. 

Sandy. 
You have little to fear. 

John. 
There is nothing absolute in the world, everything 
is relative — it all depends on how we look at things. 

Sandy. 
You have w e a 1 1 h — peace — honor — family — 
friends, what else do you want — 



John. 
I'm not growling. 



Sandy, 
You'd be a dog if yon did. 



John. 
There are times when I get very tired. 

Sandy. 
We all do. 

John. 
I've slaved for years that my wife and children 
might have comfort and security. 

Sandy. 
That was your obligation. 

John. 
I've tried to do my duty too them — they are 
W'Onderful — give me sweetest companionship. 

Sandy. 
Many an hour and day I've passed — in bachelors 
doldrums — thumping my thumbs. 

John. 
Lonesome? 

Sandy. 
As the coral in the sea. 

Sandy. 
Being a bachelor is worse than being a fish. 

John. 
To bad. 

John. 
I miss the analogy. 



8 



Sandy. 
A bachelor thinks everything covers a hook — the 
older we grow, the more scary we grow and damned 
lonesome. 

John. 
Bnt fish haven't brains to think. 

Bandy. 
Neither have bachelors — they just swim and bite. 

John. 
You should have married. 

Sandy. 
I loved Mary — ^you married her — some more evi- 
dence of your luck. 

• 

John. 
Find another — there are lots of good women 
who'd make you happy. 

Sandy. 
I can't — I've tried. 

John. 
The roses blossom every spring. 

Sandy. 
No two blossom alike. 

John. 
I'll admit Mary is a dainty pink rose — but why 
not find a full blown red one — its easy to marry, 
try again. 

Sandy. 
There's lots of difference between marrying and 
mating. 

John. 
Its easy to marry, but hard to mate. 



Sandj/. 
BetTN^een marrying and mating runs the gamut 
of human woe. 

John. 
That's why most families are in the bankruptcy 
court. 

Sandy, 
The average man or woman selects a mate as one 
would a stocking to slip on or off. 

John. 
A good marriage never needs washing. 

Sandy. 
The chemistry of love is beyond understanding. 

John. 
It is an insoluble concoction. 

Sam^dy, 
The odds are I'm doomed to live and die a stupid 
old bachelor. 

John. 
My dear old friend. 

Sandy. 
Its lots of fun to be uncle in every friend's family. 
Your's has given me lots of happiness. 

John, 
You're a brick, 

(Emily enters running in from the hall.) 

Emily. 
Hello! Uncle Mc — Dad, here's a telegram from 
Will. 



10 



John. 
(Reading:) ''Have cut out my Canadian trip — 
will take it next year — will be home to-night — 
Bill.'' 

Sandy. 
I'll wait and see the boy. 

Emily. 
I wonder why Will did that — when we left him 
the other day he w^as all excitement over this 
Canadian lark. 

John. 
Some good reason, William always has a reason 
for everything — why are you so late Emmy. 

Emily. 
Cars — blocked — streets blocked — I thought we'd 
never get through. 

Sandy. 
In another ten years — New York streets will be 
impassable. 

Emily. 
Oh! by then we'll get around in aeroplanes — 
the air line limited — Dad let's build a landing on 
our roof. Wouldn't it be fun Uncle Mc — do you 
know some day we'll be visiting the stars. 

Sandy. 
Stranger things have happened and may happen. 

Emily. 
Where's mother? 

John. 
Upstairs. 



11 



Emily. 
Call me the minute Will gets here, I'm anxious 
to see him, I must tell mother the boys are coming 
home. 

(She runs upstairs.) 

Sandy. 
She's as infectious as a smile. 

John. 
Great girl — music in her voice — music in her 
soul. 

Bandy. 
A bonnie lassie. 

John. 
I'll give you a confidence, Sandy. 

Sandy. 
What is it, John? 

John. 
I'm stumped. 

Sandy. 
What's the trouble? 

John. 
As you know — Emily has followed my advice. 

Sandy. 
Your family always do. 

John. 
Like William, Emily is ready to be admitted to 
the bar (chuckling). Emmy and William are alike 
as two peas but — 

Sandy. 
But what? 



12 
John. 



Emily is a Trcman. 



Sandy. 
So she is — its a marvelous — wonderful oc- 
cupation. 

John. 
That's just the rub — she has accomplished twice 
as much as William in a way. 

Sandy. 
How's that? 

John. 
She has covered and secured a good feminine edu- 
cation, domestic economy — music — singing — paints 
a little. 

Sandy. 
Exquisite ! 

John. 
Now she has her law degree. 

Sandy. 
Bully ! 

John. 
The New York University law school faculty — 
without exception, tell me she has a natural legal 
mind — and will make a splendid lawyer. 

Sandy. 
There you are — ^the miracle of the ages — the 
modern woman — composite of the species. 

John. 
I believe in the modern woman. 

Sandy. 
Theoretically, yes — practically — well, time will 
tell. 



13 



John. 
I've given the subject lots of thought. 

Bandy. 
Its the most fundamental and far reaching prob- 
lem in the world of to-day. 

John. 
Unmistakably. 

Bandy. 
Soon there'll be no old fashioned girls. 

John. 
It may be for the best — nobody really knows. 

Bandy. 
I have a memory — a very fond one — that some- 
how or other — ^just makes me lean to — the old 
fashioned girl — once I was sick unto death — I'll 
never forget the moment — as long as I live — the 
touch of my mother's hand healed me. Motherhood 
is the greatest ministry — isn't it woman's true 
mission? 

John. 
How's your pipe — Sandy — here's a new smoke, 
try this. 

Bandy. 
No, thanks, I like the old flame best. 

John. 
I can't say — that w^e differ much about it — I 
have serious misgivings. 

Bandy. 
Every thinking man has. 



14 



John. 
Nevertheless, I want to see woman given a man's 
chance. She's never had it — and she's entitled to it. 

Sandy. 
Every man would favor it — if it could be done 
without impairing the foundation of society. 

John. 
I made up my mind to give Emily and John — a 
fifty-fifty break. 

Sandy. 
The new woman is as old as the hills — she's a 
man. I have my doubts if one can be masculine 
and feminine in one life — it might be — 

John. 
No matter what the outcome — ^the world has 
made up its mind to give its women an equal run. 

Sandy. 
No matter where they run to — or what they run 
into. 

John. 
If you'll have it that way, yes — ^they'll make good 
in the end, that's my faith, in any event. 

Sandy, 
God bless our women — I love them all — I'm glad 
though in a way I haven't your problem to worry 
about — guess I'll stick to my own beast of burden. 

John. 
The boys and girls in our of&ce are sparking with 
electricity, all excited over the entry of William 
and Mary in our firm. 



15 

Sand I/. 
Xatiirallr. 

John. 
William's a great boy, Sandy — a born orator — 
he will be wonderful in jury cases — personality and 
individuality ooze out of every j)ore, ever hear him 
speak ? 

Sandy. 
Xo, I think not. 

J oh n. 
Harvard has done marvelous things for William 
— I'd hardlv recognize him for mv ovrn bov. 

Sa/ndy. 
You never Lad the advantage of a Harvard 
education? 

John. 
Xo. 

Sandy. 
Yet vou've succeeded. 

John. 
That's true — but I've missed it an awful lot — 
a great deal more than you think — a good and fin- 
ished education is invaluable. 

Sandy. 
Doubtless it has marked value — there are two 
sides to the argument — it depends on the character 
of the education — and more often on the educatee 
— practical experience and horse sense beats book 
lore. 

John. 
There is no compensation equal to giving your 
children a college education — the discipline — the 
larger outlook, the companionship is incomparable. 



16 

Sandy. 
I haven't any children — never expect to have any, 
but if I had, I'd give them just what your parents 
gave you — 

John. 
(Reflectively.) Ah! 

Sandy. 
Sink or swim — that's the only lifeline any normal 
man or woman needs — anyone give you anything 
else. 

John. 
Hey diddle dee — when I landed in little old New 
York, my — I remember the day — the hour — the sky 
— every cloud. 

Sandy. 
Crossing on the dinky little ferry. 

John. 
Yes, I did — did you — come that way — all the edu- 
cation I had was studying the dictionary. 

Sandy. 
No man ever forgets the day — he landed in New 
York its the epoch — of one's life — did you have any 
money? 

John. 
Seventeen dollars and fifteen cents — oh! yes — I 
had something else. 

Sandy. 
A satchel of clothes of course. 

John. 
A few clothes of course — but I was thinking of a 
red apple I had in my pocket — I lived on apples for 
three months. 



17 



Sandy. 
Did you know anybody in Xew York — haye any 
friends ? 

John. 
Xot a soul — I was green and gruelly — I was a 
rube alright — I had tons of dam fool nerye — ^based 
on ignorance — most of it at that — green — why I 
was so green that for a long time I labored under 
the impression that a poor man wasn't allowed to 
walk on Fifth Ayenue — can you beat it? 

Sandi/. 
There are a million of our kind in New York. 

John. 
Haye some tobacco. 

Sandy. 
Thanks, 1*11 stick to this — its mild — 

John. 
^\Tiat a strange journey life is — we dream and 
dream. 

Sandy. 
I build a castle in the air eyery day. 

John. 
I'm thinking how to please William and Emily. 

Sandy: 
A father's past-time — I suppose. 

John. 
What's your judgment — would you haye the firm 
name read Smith and Smith — Lawyers — or John 
— William and Emily Smith or — 



18 



Sandy. 
T\Tiy not — Emily — William and John SmitTi. 

John. 
Ah! you're teasing me — old friend, you're teas 
ing me. 

Sandy. 
Don't be foolish, man. 

John. 
No, I'm serious. 

Sandy. 
I know. 

John. 
I've watched over mv bov and 2Xv\ — I've advised 
and guided them — ^we are pals — they are good 
children. 

Sandy. 
That's a blessing. 

John. 
If I have the power and ability — it is my pur- 
pose to save them the experience of my struggles 
and hardships. 

Sandy. 
Bear in mind — ^the hard knocks that polished 
your corners will never smooth theirs. 

John. 
I do not think it essential that one be scarred in 
order to learn life — I want to spare them my 
sorrows. 

Sandy. 
Your children must have the same common points 
of contact — we all do — its the law of life. 



19 



John, 

I'll save them a lot — they have been my com- 
panions and confidants — they are better lawyers to- 
day than I am — their training has been scientific 
and methodical — they have the fundamental prin- 
ciples and verities ingrained in their very being — 
not many children have had as much thought and 
care given them. 

Sandy, 

I hope you won't be disappointed — you are cook- 
ing your children's broth — it smells good — it may 
taste good, to you and you know the mixture — the 
jvoint is, how will it go with them, will they know 
the ingredients — or how the thing is made. 

John, 
Of course they will. 



You may think so. 
I know it. 



Sandy, 
John, 



Sandy. 
Do you think you can satisfy my appetite tell- 
ing me the good things you've had for your dinner. 

John, 
William and Emily are not ordinary children — 
I've reasoned with them, always, and I am sure they 
understand. 

Sandy, 
Take for granted the literal truth of all that — 
every wayfarer must learn his own road — 

John, 
Signs help — ^they \sill have lots of hard work — 
plenty of experience. 



20 



Sandy. 
That may be — you have a big practice. 

John. 
We'll have lots of fun — we'll work together — and 
then just think — I'll live my life over again with 
my children. 

Sandy. 
There's the danger John — their life is just be- 
ginning — your's — well, its not exactly ending — 

John, 
I hope not. 

Sandy. 
Nevertheless, they are coming — ^you are going — 
I think that is why parents and children have so 
many differences, they aren't traveling exactly the 
same way. 

John, 
Don't you think I can show them how to win? 

Sandy. 
Did you let your parents show^ you — I didn't — 
children never do. 

John. 
But I was raised in the old fashioned way — the 
big stick — no confidence and very little reasoning. 

Sandy. 
You are using the new method. 

John. 
Yes. 

Sandy. 
I wish you luck. 



21 



John. 
I believe in reasonino: with young folks — showing 
them how to avoid the snares and pitfalls of life. 
It isn't likely that a boy or girl of twenty-one 
should know or understand very much about the 
game of life. 

Sandy. 
Boys and girls of seventy know very little more. 

John. 
Age does bring some msdom — its all wrong to 
tell the young boy and girl — the world is full of 
ghosts — lookout they'll catch you — its far better 
to take our children by the hand and help them, 
fight through the age old trail — 

Sandy. 
If they have you always — at hand to lean on — 
what is their decision worth — what is there for 
them to do. 

John. 
Everything — I'll be neither Judge or taskmaster. 





Sandy. 


Doubtless you planned their birth. 




John, 


I — we did. 






Sandy, 


Their education. 






John, 


I did. 






Sandy, 


Their vocation. 





90 



J oh n. 
T did. 

Sandy. 
Their associations. 

John. 
Advised tliem wholesomely. 

Sandy. ' 
You're the damdest tyrant of a father — any 
family ever had. 

John. 
That's not so — I hate tyrannical parents. 

Sandy. 
You do. 

John. 
My parents were very tyrannical. 

Sandy. 
You rebelled? 

John, 

That's why I ran away from home. 

Sandy. 
Isn't that a warning to you? 

John, 
That's why I have taught my children independ- 
ence from babyhood up. 

Sandy, 
Peculiar freedom you give them. 

John, 
They live their own lives. 



23 

Sand If. 
According to your plans? 

John. 
Not at all — I may advise but never interfere — 
their lives their own to make or mar. 

Sand I/. 
It is Tvell — for vou to realize that. 

John. 
I've helped, not hurt them. 

Sand I/. 
Most helping hurts. 

John. 
If my boy and girl didn't understand, it would 
hurt us all — mv children know mv mind and heart, 
they see my purpose and appreciate my spirit. 

Sandj/. 
Every parent thinks that. 
( Enter in great excitement William and Tom — they 
are loaded down with, suit cases — light over- 
coats — leather, top hat boxes, golf sticks and 
bags — dropping all in exhaustion. ) 

William and Tom. 
Hello : Hello ! 

Sand I/. 
For the love of Annie Laurie. 

John. 
My boy — ux)on my soul — (embracing). 

William. 
-^ell — Uncle Mc, how are you — ^you know my pal 
Tom Higgins, of course you do. 



24 
Sauchj. 



Sure. I knoTv Tom. 



Tom. 
T'ln fiiad to see you agaiu. Mr. McPherson. 

William. 
Dear old Dad — gee home is comfy — feels good 
— Where's mother — there's sis — how's everybody 
— how's eTerTthius:? 

J oh n. 

Everything and everybody is tip-top — mother and 
Emily are tipstairs anxiously awaiting you — 
mother — Emily — 

William. 
Xo — we'll go up — got to wash up anyway. 

John. 
Have a good trip. 

William. 
Terribly dusty — I'm covered with cinders — come 
on Tom (they gather belongings) — I've got to have 
a heart to heart talk wiih you Dad — 

John. 
We'll have lots of heart to heart talks. 

William. 
Tom and I have a great idea — montimental — 
colossal — regular standard oil conception — you 
know how Columbus made an egg stand on end — 
well its just as simple — Gallileo proved that the 
world was round — didn't he — our problem is just 
as unerringly certain — the pro]X)sition is just as 
radiatingly pulsating and world illuminating as 



23 



Edison's incandescent bulb. ^Marconi's wireless 
can't go any faster — when once we get going, come 
on Tom, let's clean up — we'll hurry, Dad — my — my, 
its great to be home (they go upstairs). 

Sand I/. 
Phew! that chap's dynamic — almost took my 
breath away. He ought to make a great lawyer. 

John. 
You bet he will — I wonder what's in his mind. 

Sandy. 
The enthusiasm of youth. 

John. 
Won't our old office hum — it needs new life and 
blood anvway. 

Sandy. 
Modern times demand new ideas and methods. 

J oh yi, 
I'll let *em go the limit. 

Sandy. 
Its always seemed to me, lawyers were blamed 
slow and complicated. 

John, 
Conseryatiye. 

Sandy. 
Cobwebby — cobwebby — blamed cobwebby. 

John. 
R^^gularity and precision are essential. 



26 



Mary, 
(Voice heard upstairs.) Hurry, boys, you'll find 
everything laid out for you in your room (she 
enters). Oh! John dear, I'm in trouble. 

John, 
What's up? 

Mary. 
I've been going over my accounts with Emily — 
I've made an awful blunder. 

John, 
How? 

Mary, 
Drawn too many checks — haven't enough in bank 
to pay them. 

John, 
How much are you short? 

Mary, 
Four hundred and twenty-five dollars and fifteen 
cents — I don't know how I miscalculated. 

John, 
Oh ! Mary — ^why is it — ^you women always over- 
calculate or undercalculate — ^whether it is going 
out or coming in — well, dear, what do you want me 
to do? 

Mary, 
Let me have an extra check for four hundred and 
fifty dollars — if you will please — I'll have to get 
it deposited the first thing to-morrow morning — 
else my checks may not be paid. 

John, 
Your bank wouldn't throw your check out. 



27 

Mary. 
Thev have done so. 

John, 
Is this a habit — overdrawing? 

Mary. 
Not at all — only lately eyerythins seems to be 
getting so high — it seems as if I am always short 
of money. 

John. 

(Writing check good naturedly.) Once they 

sang the song of the shirt, then it was Stiche! 

Stiche! Stiche! — now its the song of the check 

Write ! Write ! Write ! ( chuclding w^ith laughter ) . 

Samdy. 
Money is such a good thread — mends so many 
tares and tears — knits so many socks and souls. 

Ma/ry. 
Mr. McPherson — do you think there are many 
men who would make as good a husband as John. 

Sa^ndy. 
Oh ! there must be — at least one, 

J oh n. 
A good wife deserves a good husband. 

Sandy. 
Not many get what they deserve. 

John. 
A woman is pretty much what a man makes her. 

Alary. 
A man is what a woman makes him — a cowardly 
woman or a wicked woman can destroy a man — a 



28 



brave woman and a good woman draws the fire of 
a man's soul. 

Sandy. 
It is evident that each of you know the part 
that you have played in molding the other. 

Mary (to John). 
I wonder what he means. 

John, 
Ask him. 

Mary. 
I think I'll not be too inquisitive. 

John. 
1 shan't — I might regret it. 

(Enter William and Tom.) 



Tom. 
Mrs. Smith, you are always so good to m( 
thanks for the fixings — 

Mary. 
Don't mention it. 

Tom. 
Isn't New York bully — I'd like to live here. 

William. 
New York is a disease — everybody has it. 

Sandy. 
So they say. 

John. 
Do you blame them for the infection? 



29 



Tom. 
New York is heaven — New Yorkers are heavenly 
— even the buildings are heavenly — if old John 
Ruskin was alive, he'd have to add a few stories to 
his books. 

William. 
If you spring anything like that again, I'll re- 
port you to the police. 

Sand'if. 
That might go in Boston — but not in New York. 

Tom. 
Little old New York — here's to New York — gem 
of the earth, land of adoption — not of birth — for 
good or ill — I'll love her still — I'll love her still. 

John, 
Everybody sings it — 

Sandy. 
Those who do not sing — sigh. 

John. 
Well, William, out with it — what's up? 

Sandy. 
What is the new idea? 

William. 
(Nonplussed how to proceed.) Dad, I'm ner- 
vous — can't you see I'm nervous? 

John. 
Are you in trouble — anything the matter? 



30 



William'. 
I'm like the felloe' about to propose — I've memor- 
ized my speech — I'm ready to drop on my knees 
— but I can't get the darned thing out. 

Tom. 
Its like this, Mr. Smith — Bill fears — you will 
say nothing doing — I'll be a brother to you — some- 
thing like that — I'm in love with another fellow — 
you see Bill's about to make a proposal to you. 

Sandy. 
For the love of Annie Laurie Avhat's it all about 
— what's up? 

John. 
I hope you aren't involved — with a girl — you 
aren't in love — are you — is that it — 

Tom. 
Oh! Lord! No — I wish he was — he'd have more 
sympathy for me. 

John. 
Well, dam it — what is it — let's have it. 

Mary. 
Willie, you haven't done anything wrong, have 
yon ? 

William, 
I'm giving up the lavt. 

John. 
The hell you say — oh! forgive me — I heg pardon. 

William. 
There's no money in it. 



31 
Tom, 



Money is poAver. 



John. 
What has money got to do with it — 

Mary. 
This can't be true — surely you are jesting. 

William. 
You must hear me before you judge me. I've 
come to hate the law — the boys say I'm an idealistic 
anarchist — whatever that may be — I guess I'm that 
— I don't know exactly what I am — I don't think 
anyone — man, woman, child or dog — knows exactly 
what he, she or it, may be, we are what we are — • 
necessity, environment, hunger, if you please, 
makes us one thing to-day and another to-morrow 
— I despise the civil law — with all its dialectic 
shading — so that one with a sanctimonious counte- 
nance may rob Peter to pay Paul — I detest the 
social law, the vilest and most inequitable of all 
laws — a law that demands the ostracism of a clean, 
decent human being because his father's father, 
who was the son of a father, selected the wrong re- 
ligious chain of father's. Criminals are made by 
the criminal Uiav — cheated of his birthright, the 
poor devil is hounded by the well fed dogs that 
happen to be born in a so-called thorough bred 
kennel — instead of first seeing the light of day in 
gloom and penury — there isn't any moral law, no 
man's morals dare be x-rayed — if you did, heaven 
would be moved to hell — and chaos would come 
again, moral law is the fig leaf of ancestry and the 
soothing syrup of posterity ; and what are your re- 
ligious laws but a jumble of superstitious formulas 
— designed and intended to chase the gobelins of 
fear and doubt — what is religion but love — and 



32 

love laughs at locksmiths; your average minister 
wants to lock laughter out of life. The law, all 
law is part of a never ending grinding machine — 
with cocks, and stops, and guards, with chains and 
brakes and wheels, with belts and bolts and screws, 
with nuts and treads and gears — interminable — all 
propelled by power, generated from a furnace — fed 
by the blood of men — the souls of women. Its all 
make-believe — artificial — hypocritical, unmoral, im- 
moral, unscientific, impracticable, improbable, in- 
human. Holy smoke its the worst job ever. There 
isn't a red blooded, full hearted, decent spirited 
thing in it — I hate it, God only knows hoAV I hate 
it — I want to make money, a lot of money, heaps 
of money, mountains of money, millions of money, 
billions of money, I tell you I want money, money 
is power, and when I get power, I'm going to 
change a lot of things in this darned old world. 
Some day, in some way, somebody is going to ex- 
plode something. It may be me, somebody always 
has. Its about time for somebody to explode some- 
thing, change things, you bet I'd change things. 
The workman would have his meat. Is not the 
laborer worthy of his hire, shall the poor always 
cry for bread and raiment, why should the starv- 
ing babe waste and fade for lack of milk, why 
should the mother fountain dry? I tell you its all 
wrong, someone besides the birds should have nests, 
someone besides the foxes should have holes.. How 
long shall the weary sons of men, toil slavishly in 
their unrequieted sweat, the law — I'll have none 
of it— 

Mary. 
Come to think of it, this is a funny world. 

Sandy. 
Men may come, and men may go, but hell goes on 
forever. 



33 



John. 
William, do you realize, have you stopped to 
think, you are breaking all my plans, our plans. 

William. 
Dear old Dad, we'll can the plans, pickle them, 
salt them, put 'em in cold storage, any old thing, 
I'm not going to be a lawyer. 

Sandy. 
My boy you are suffering from idealistic mania, 
the world is impregnated with it. 

Mary. 
Willie, what are you going to do? 

William. 
Business, going into business. 

Tom. 
We have a perfectly corking idea. 

John. 
Your brains are not big enough to contain an 
idea, a simple idea, in your head, would be choked 
to death for want of room. 

William. 
Now, see here Dad, be reasonable, don't get sore. 

Tom. 
Don't get sore, ]Mr. Smith, you'll regret it, listen 
to Bill. 

William. 
It doesn't pay to lose one's head, you've always 
preached independence to mo, dig my own foun- 
dation, saw my own logs, Aveather my own boards, 



34 



nail my own shingles, build my own liouse, paint 
my own blinds, patch my own fences, you started 
adaging, symbolizing and epigramming me when 
I was six years old. I'm not going to be just a 
figure of speech all of my life — life is action, I 
propose making an impress on my age and time, 
and this is a commercial not a legal age. State- 
craft is in the discard, and the law is lonesome. 

John. 
But you have the makings of a famous lawyer, 
you have an opportunity of becoming the leader of 
the greatest bar in the world, who knows, does 
honor mean nothing to you, are you going to throw 
it all to the vidnds? 

William. 
All every bit, no splitting hairs for me, drawing 
a distinction between t^eedle-dum and tweedle-dee, 
bowing and scraping to Courts and juries, gam- 
bling my life, spirit and soul, against the red and 
black of the judicial roulette wheel, struggling with 
the ingratitude of clients, willing to have you com- 
mit any crime, just so they win — 

John. 
When did you get all of this knowledge of the 
sorrows of the laAV. 

William. 
From you dear old Dad, listening to you for 20 
years, I've heard every word you said — and then 
Harvard is some school, Boston, is almost as wicked 
as Xew York — I tell you I want money — 

John. 
Its all right to want it — getting it is another 
problem. 



35 

Tom, 
You know, money is a bird. 

John, 
Often, a dirty bird. 

Tom, 
Lays golden eggs. 

John, 
In a foul nest. 

Tom, 
All the boys, young and old, are robbing tbe nest. 

William. 
The girls too, mothers, daughters, wives, sisters, 
sweethearts, even old maids, kinsfolks to nobody. 

Tom. 
You can't do anything without money, can't go 
anywhere, can't have anything. 

John, 
I don't want to be mean or stubborn — but— 

Mcurt/. 
You couldn't be mean if you tried. 

John, 
If all of this wasn't so tragical, it would be rol- 
licking good comedy. 

Sa7idy. 
Forget the tragedy, enjoy the comedy. 

John. 
Let's get down to facts, Point one, a lot of money 
— everybody wants a lot — Point two, how to use 



36 



it, difficult, very difficult, nobody knows how, a 
lot of folks have tried, all failed. 

William, 
One thing, you can bet your last marble on — 
I'll not lay foundations or build libraries, I have 
very fixed and definite intentions. 

Sandy, 
Most young people have. 

Tom, 
Mr Me, have you any grudge against young 
folks. 

Sandy, 
!No, indeed^ Tom, none whatever. 

William. 
I'm going to dedicate my life to the under-dog, , 
fighting for the right, out in the open, on the level, 
before the whole world, for and with niv fellow- 
men, for truth and justice for all. 

Sandy. 
To much college John, I think I'll be going. 

John. 
Please don't go, I need you my friend. 

Sandy. 
Steady man, don't slip, they say it happens in 
every man's family. 

John. 
In the name of all, we love, what is the idea? 

Mary. 
What are you going to do, Willie? 



37 



Sandy. 
What is the business that's going to produce this 
never ending stream of gold, William? 

John. 
That is Point three, should be Point one, we have 
to make money before we give it away, what kind 
of a business have you found that produces money 
like magic. 

Mary. 
You overlooked that Willie. 

Tom. 
Its a sure thing. 

William, 
It can't lose. 

Sandy, 
What is it, gold bricks or green goods. 

Johrn. 
Its hell, just plain unadulterated helL 

William, 
No, pork and beans. 

Mary, 
Pork and beans. 

Tom, 
Yes, pork and beans. 

Sandy. 
Pork and beans, going to compete with the meat 
trust. 



38 



J oil n. 
Well, I'll be d— d— d— cl— d— d— d— (1— I don't 
know what I'll be. 

William, 
Be sane and sober, dad! keep your poise, your 
hand on the mark, your finoer on the trigger, here's 
the thought, the idea, its wonderful, Tom thinks 
its wonderful. 

Tom. 
Most wonderful. 

William. 
I know it — the whole world will know it, be- 
cause its seasoned, seasoned pork and beans, you 
know the trouble with everybody in the world, they 
lack Pep, Big Black Capital Letters, P. E. P., that's 
what we are going to do, pui^ lots of pepper in it, 
make it bark, and snap, and bite. 

2Iari/. 
But why this kind of business, Willie, its rather 
common, isn't it, pork and beans. 

Willi a 771. 
Its symbolic, psychological, swine to swine, the 
dirtiest humblest of animals, properly dressed, 
salted, peppered, lots of pepper, seasoned, food for 
a king, don't you know that the only honest to 
God difference between a swine and a king is in 
the dressing^ seasoning, trimmings. 

J oh n. 
You're crazy. 

William. 
No! sirree, I'm not crazy, I'm starting from a 
simple principle and I can prove the correctness 



39 



of mj principle, the principle of scientific salesman- 
ship, was Gallileo crazy when he discovered that 
the world was round, everybody said he was crazy, 
yet it was a simple problem to him to prove that 
the earth wasn't flat, Nev» ton's principle of gravi- 
tation started from a simple thought, that any- 
body with any sense ought to have had, quantity 
production, mass salesmanship, everybody wants it, 
wants what, wants it seasoned, there isn't any 
fun in living if your life has lost its pep, why do 
people like candy, because its sweet tickles your 
palate, girls like pickles, because girls are sweet 
and pickles are sour, creates diversion, most peo- 
ple like pie, because of the filling, make a thing 
tasty enough and the world is yours. 

John. 
And for this I sent you to Harvard. 

Sandy. 
Steady man, steady. 

Mary. 
Father, don't get angry at Willie. 

William. 
Now for business, we must form our corporation 
to-morrow, we've no time to lose, name, ^'Seasoned 
Pork and Beans, Inc.," charter perpetual. 

Sandy. 
Pork and beans forever — is that it? 

William. 
Capital authorized ten million dollars, paid in 
ten thousand dollars, directors for the first year, 
John Smith, Sandy jNIcPherson, Tom Higgins, Wil- 
liam Smith. I will be President and Treasurer, 



40 



Tom will be Vice-President and Secretary, I have 
been corresponding with the agents, and have 
agreed to lease 200 Chambers Street, it is a good 
location for our initial plant in a very short while 
w^e will need a number of branch locations. I 
have arranged to sign the lease at your office to- 
morrow, Dad, they want you to guarantee it, Dad, 
trust me, I'll make good. Let me have your check 
to-night for the ten thousand. Dad, we've got to 
cover the paid in capital, I'll give you my personal 
note, with Tom's endorsement for the loan, I want 
to sleep sound to-night, I will sleep sound with our 
paid up capital in hand. Dad, I know you love 
me, I know you would go to hell for me, I know 
I've got to deliver the goods for you and mother. 

John. 
(Takes out check book and starts writing, no 
one says a word, all standing by, John gives check 
to William, who reads it to the company.) 

William. 

New York, June 15th, 1914. 

Pay to Seasoned Pork and Beans, Inc., Ten Thou- 
sand Dollars, $10,000.00. 

To Stuyvesant Natl. Bk., New York. 

JOHN SMITH. 

William. 
(Continuing) Now, let's hold the first stock- 
holders' meeting in my room, we'll elect directors, 
and offi-cers — it will give the President a chance to 
unfold some of the companies plans, how we pro- 
pose to make the wheels go round. 

Sandi/. 
All right Mr. President (exit John, Sandy, Tom 
and William). 



41 



Mary, 

(Tidying things in room.) 

Men are strange creatures, if things happened to 

me that way, John would say I overcalculate or 

undercalculate, of course, according to men, women 

never figure things out just right (enter Emily). 

Emily. 
What's the matter, where is Will? 

Mary. 
Upstairs. 

Emily. 
What's up, anything wrong, you look worried. 

Mary. 
Be careful, don't intrude, your father will likely 
tell you. 

Emily, 
Where is father, I have something very impor- 
tant to tell him. 

Mary. 
Your father is with Mr. Mc and the boys, what 
do you want to tell him? 

Emily. 
Did Tony telephone, he ought to be here by now. 

Mary. 
I have had no message. 

(The bell rings.) 

Emily. 
That may be him now (goes to door). 
(John and Sandy enter from the stairway.) 



42 



John. 
You see I can't afford to buck him. 

William, 
(Appearing on the stairway.) 
I thought you were coming up. 

John. 
We'll be up in a minute. 

William. 
(Disappearing) Don't make us wait to long. 

Sandy. 
I'm afraid you'll lose a lot of time and money 
on this venture. 

John. 
Perhaps, we can't tell, its a crisis in William's 
life, if I fight him, we are side-tracked, be may get 
ditched. On tbe other hand, the proposition may 
win, its a novel idea, William's quite a philosopher, 
tbe thing's plausible, you must concede, and there's 
a good deal of truth in that iconoclastic tirade 
he delivered, although It will never do to admit it. 

Sandy. 
I should say not, there's a grain of truth in 
every false idea. 

John. 
There's more than a grain of truth in some of the 
things William said, but he bas me badly worried, 
its a pretty bard blow. 

Mary. 
Don't worry dear, Willie is just like you, dear, 
I've always said so, most of Willie's ideas come 



43 



from you anyway. I've heard you say a lot of tliose 
things. 

(Emily and Tony enter.) 

Emily, 
Oh! father. 

Tony. 
It ees wonderful (to the group), good afternoon. 

Emily. 
I wonder if they will like it. 

Mary. 
Glad to see you Mr. Martinelli. 

Sandy. 
How are you Martinelli? 

Emily. 
Tony has the completed manuscript of our play. 

Tony. 
Your divine work Miss Emily. 

John. 
What's that? 

Emily. 
Yes ! the work is complete. 

Tony. 
Miss Emily is one genius. 

Emily. 
Now, Tony! no time for that. 

Tony. 
Ze ees one great genius. 



44 

John, 
What's this! what's this! 

Mary. 
You say a play. 

Emily, 
Tony and I have been working on it secretly for 
over a year. 

Tony, 
I did nothing, nothing. 

Emily, 
Yes! you did. 

Tony, 
Maybe a word here, a word there, maybe one 
leetle touch, it ees Miss Emily's, zee ees a marvel. 

John, 
Is this another loose hinge — rickety, rickety, rick. 

Sandy. 
Steady man, steady. 

Emily. 
You see, father, I came to the realization. 

Tony, 
7a^ ees inspired, what the bible say omniscient, ze 
sees everything. 

John, 
What is this all about anyway. 

Mary. 
You couldn't write a real play. 

Emily. 
A woman hasn't any business practicing law, 
its a man's job anyway, a woman is temperamen- 
tally unfit to be a lawyer. 



45 



Tony. 
Miss Emily's talent is for ze stage, ze write, ze 
play, ze act, ze ees magnificient. 

John. 

Stop this, STOP THIS I SAY. 

Emily. 
Ko, father, it can't be stopped, you have a 
splendid lawyer in Will, I'd be in the way, I^d 
ruin the combination, I've made up my mind not 
to follow the law. 

John. 
Can you beat it, now what's your reason? 

Emily. 
As I see it, a law suit is a play, the trouble 
about it is as a rule, the stage is. all set, the lines 
are all written when the lawyer gets it, its ready 
made, generally the actors in a law suit have missed 
their cue, ruined the play, they come to a lawyer 
for patch work, he has little chance to create any- 
thing, I want to fashion my own law^ suits, build 
my own plays, I'd like to shape my life along origi- 
nal lines, I don't want a hum-drum existence. 

Joh/n. 
What leads you to believe that you can become 
a successful playwright. 

Emily, 
Possibly my exaggerated imagination. 

Sandy. 
Every person in the world thinks they can write 
plays, even the grave-diggers, they at least have a 
plot to start with. 



46 



Emily. 
Its the most attractive profession in the world 
of to-day. 

John. 
In what way? 

Emily. 
It embraces the Avidest opportunities, one has the 
whole world to play too, and the whole world to 
play with. 

Tony. 
Miss Emily, zee is sublime. 

John. 
I must have committed some awful sin at some 
time in my life. 

Sandy. 
Have you a producer, has your play been 
accepted? 

Emily. 
Tony is going to make the production. 



rsanay. 
It takes a lot of money. 

Emily. 
Only eight thousand dollars, we have all the 
estimates. 

Tony. 
It ees not much. 

Sandy. 
Have you got it? 

Tony. 
It ees not much. 



47 



Sand]/. 
Eight thousand dollars is a fortune, if you haven't 
the first eight. 

Emily. 
Father, dear, we only need three thousand now 
to cover the preliminary payments, we will not 
need the balance until August, the play goes on in 
August. I feel sure you will back me, won't you, 
father, dear. 

Marl/, 
Why not have a regular theatrical manager 
make the production and furnish the money, they 
do furnish the money sometimes, don't they. 

Emili/, 
We have tried them all. 

Tony. 
Zay no appreciate ze play. 

Emily. 
Not one would undertake it. 

Sandy. 
Doesn't that deter you? 

Emily, 
Not a bit, why should it? 

Mary, 
It would make me hesitate. 

John. 
Fools rush in where angels fear to treads what's 
the thing about? 



48 

Emily. 
The Bridge of Tolls/ 



J7 



Tony. 
Miss Emily, ah! zee is one glorious angel. 

John. 
I think I^m on the bridge of tolls. 

Emily. 
Every one must cross that bridge. 

John. 
The thing that's worrying me is how am I ever 
going to get off of it? 

Emily. 
That's the theme of my play life is a Bridge of 
Tolls, one pays the toll as long as one lives. 

Sandy. 
We all know that, why not tell us how to make 
it a free bridge? 

EmAly. 
That's the argument of the play, it shows that 
we never get any happiness in life unless we pay 
and serve — 

Bandy. 
You mean that we wouldn't have any fun on the 
bridge if it was a free road. 

Emily. 
We wouldn't appreciate our blessings if they 
were free, but the main point is that every one 
pays whether one wants to or not. 



49 



Sandy. 
But some ride Avhilst most folks walk. 

Emily. 
There are more heartaches in motorcars than in 
shoe leather. 

Sandy. 
That may be, but most everybody has a make of 
a car picked out. 

Emily. 
Whether we ride or walk, the true philosophy is 
to be resigned to the '^chastened acceptance of the 
inevitable." 

John. 
The chastened acceptance of the inevitable, when 
I ran away from home, my mother used those very 
words, as her parting admonition. 

Sandy. 
That's very odd. 
(William and Tom enter finding all present sitting 
or standing as in a reverie. ) 

William. 
Why have you kept the Board of Directors 
waiting? 

Tom. 
This is the end of a perfect day, oh ! Miss Emily, 
we, I am going to live in New York. 

Tony, 
The play will open in New York. 

William. 
It isn't a play Antonio Martinelli, its regular 
bona fide business, seasoned, thoroughly seasoned. 



50 



Tony, 
You wrong your sister, it ees a play — art, very 
artistic. 

Tom. 
If you want to sell a thing, season it. 

Tony, 
What you mean season it? 

(Enter Aunt Polly.) 

Polly. 
Hello! everybody, how's everybody? 

William. 
Hello! Aunt Polly, how are the Armenians, are 
you still feeding the babies? 

Tom. 
How's Aunt Polly? 

Polly. 
I've had a most wonderful visit with Micah Hab 
Dab, Hab Dab. 

Tom. 
Who is Micah Hab Dab, Hab Dab? 

Polly. 
Who is Micah? 

Tom. 
Never heard of him, is he a New Yorker? 

Polly, 
You don't know Micah Hab Dab, Hab Dab, 
Indian astrologist extraordinary to his majesty 
King George, soothsayer and forecaster to New 
York's mystic ir<ner circle. 



51 

Tom. 
Never met Mr. ^licali. 

Polly. 
Wizard of the stars, who tells you what to do, 
and what not to do, Micah who co-ordinates your 
investments, your activities, and your frailties with 
Saturn, Mars and Venus. 

• Tom. 
T\Tio is the "fuv, how did vou meet him, Aunt 
Polly? 

Polly. 
Why, my dear, through the Red Cross, the Red 
Cross is the magic wand, that brings into com- 
munion and sympathetic touch, the proletariat, 
the bourgeose and nobility, even Royalty, a mil- 
lionaire's daughter confided the secret to me. I 
taught her how to loiit baby hosiery, and she in- 
troduced me to Micah Hab Dab, Hab Dab. 

Tom. 
Does she live in New York, too, what's her name? 

Polly. 
Gladys Sturtevant Van Sturtevant, Gladys is a 
likely and a beautiful child, there's only one child 
in the Sturtevant Van Sturtevant family, Gladys 
says that her mother says that's the limit. With 
the bourgeouse, another baby would have shocked 
their circle of refinement. 

Tom. 
Is that so? 

Polly. 
Oh ! yes, they belong to the Ne Plus Ultras, you 
don't know the Ne Plus Ultras, the regular pate 



52 



de foi gras of I^ew York, the very higli livers, 
Gladys' father makes all of his money and they say 
he has more ten thousand-dollar bills in his pocket 
than any man in tlie world, studying the stars with 
Micah Hab Dab, Hab Dab, Gladys' says her father 
has so much money, that society just loves her 
mother, I can't explain it all exactly — just exactly 
how its done, but a certain star has to be in a cer- 
tain place at a certain time, for Gladys' father to 
buy or sell a certain stock. You see long before 
you were born, oh, thousands of years, you were 
put in a certain astrological orbit, Gladys' says 
she knows her father was put into the financial 
orbit, I see his name in the papers all the time, 
they say he's a wonderful financier, but Gladys 
says to me confidentially, she knows her father, 
and she knows its Micah and the stars that make 
her father wonderful, she says Micah Hab Dab, 
Hab Dab is the original hitch your wagon to a star, 
Micah took my astrological, orbitical curve to- 
day, and he says that something terrible is about 
to happen. 

John, 
It has happened. 

Polly, 
No, its going to happen. 

Tom. 
I wonder if Micah can figure out the astrological 
orbit of pork and beans (to Polly), won't you 
introduce me to Micah. 

Polly. 
I will if you join the Red Cross, the way to my 
heart is through the Red Cross, I won't do any- 
thing for anybody who won't help the Red Cross. 



53 



Tom. 
What do you want me to do? 

Polly, 
Become a unit. 

Tom, 
What's a unit? 

Polly, 
Fifty dollars. 

Tom, 
I'm it, when may I meet Micah (counts out 50 
|1 bills). 

Polly, 
To-morrow, Oh! brother John, won't you be a 
unit? You ought to meet Micah, I've always 
said so. 

John, 
(Handing her fifty dollars.) The chastened ac- 
ceptance of the inevitable, 

(Slow curtain.) 



54 
ACT II. 

Office of "Seasoned Pork and Beans, Inc./' 200 
Chambers S^treet, New York City, one flight up. 

A morning in August, 1914. 

The office is stage Avidth — 20 or 25 feet deep. 
Doors — Left entrance from elevator. 
Center to plant. 
Eight to private inner office. 

There are several rugs on the floor, the outlook 
is prosperous, chairs, flat top desk, large leather 
lounge, several lithographs hanging, advertising 
products, there are two large highly polished nickel 
coffee boilers, an ornate buffet table also a very 
large highly polished nickel perambulator, a la 
knickerbocker. 

The curtain rises upon empty scene, after a mo- 
ment, Jacques enters wearing fautless white uni- 
form, looks over and prepares coffee boilers, finally 
lighting same, is looking over and moving peram- 
bulator when John and Sandy enter. 

John. 
What time does this exhibition take place? 

Jacques. 
My pay is ten to twelve. 

Sandy. 
My good man, what has your pay got to do with 
it? 

Jacques. 
(Starts moving perambulator.) So many pay, 
so many beans, no pay, no beans, I work so very 
hard, rich men, rich men's sons get all, everything, 
poor man, he get, what you call faith, hope, 
ch.irity, he never get ze money. 



55 



John. 
Two hours a day, humph, hard work, he calls 
it, what are people thinking about, I work ten to 
twelve hours a day, every day, always have, all 
my life. 

Sandy, 
A man who is unwilling to work eight hours a 
day doesn't deserve to live. 

John, 
I don't understand it, what is the world coin- 
ing to? 

Sandy, 
Socialistic madness. 

John. 
I believe in socialism, but working two hours 
a day isn't socialism. 

Sandy. 
That's about what the majority of people clamor- 
ing for it think it is. 

John, 
Divideism is a better name for it, its corrupt and 
fanatic leaders telling the masses to take it all. 

Sandy. 
It will end in famine for all, no one will have any 
incentive to work, if the fruit of one's labor is 
taken and divided with the drone. 

John. 
We are all badly spoilt nowadays. 

Sandy. 
Yes, all classes, badly pampered and overfed to 
my way of thinking, the world is about due for a 
lot of punishment. 



56 



John. 
Have you heard of the complications downtown, 
things are at a standstill and trouble is in the air. 

Bandy. 
I expect it, it is bound to come. 

John. 
The Stuvesant Natl. Bank sent for me yesterday. 

Sandy, 
What did they want? 

John. 
Warned us to be on our guard. 

Sandy. 
When is their note due? 

John. 
Next month. 

Sandy. 
They want it paid. 

John. 
Eeduced and more security. 

Sandy. 
There are ugly rumors around toTVTi. 

John, 
Very bad. 

Sandy. 
The stock market went to pieces this morning. 

John. 
This business is going to need a good big bit of 
money. 



57 



Sandy. 
I warned you, but you wouldn't listen to me. 

John. 
I am trying to raise some to-day, Andrew is 
downtown now. 

Sandy. 
Have you heard from tlie Trans-Continental 
National? 

John. 

That's a tough bank, they said our hundred 
thousand was more than we should have had. 

Sandy. 
They have our double endorsement. 

John. 
I also gave them my steel preferred. 

Sandy. 
I'm sorry this venture is hurting my credit. 

John. 
I hope not, I succeeded yesterday in getting the 
Thompson boys to take fifty thousand dollars pre- 
ferred stock at par. 

Sandy. 
Any bonus. 

John. 
One of common for every two preferred, I think 
I can make the same deal with the Gillis' — you 
know they have millions idle. 

Sandy. 
They are foxy Englishmen, how much have we 
sold all told? 



58 



Jolm. 
Three hundred thousand common and two hun- 
dred thousand preferred. 

Sandy. 
Great guns ! where is all that money? 

John. 
The hoys have undoubtedly overbought. 

Sandy. 
What do you mean? 

John. 
Their committments are very heavy. 

Sandy. 
This is a tough time to be overloaded. 

John. 
They are carrying a tremendous lot of meat and 
beans. I'm badly worried. 

Sandy. 
Do you know the exact status of their affairs? 

John. 
I do not. 

Sandy. 
Whv not? 

John. 
I can't evidence distrust of my boy, that would 
never do. 

Sandy. 
My dear man, the war creates a situation that 
must change every point of view. 



59 
John. 



I know. 



Sandy. 
The time for illusions is past. 

John. 
My hope and trust is — that the next few days 
will see an end of the threatened catastrophe, it 
is inconceivable that this thing can go on, in this 
enlightened age. 



Sandy. 



It will g;o on. 



John, 
I was told this morning that the President had 
tendered his friendly offices to bring about peace. 

Sandy. 
He should instantly and resolutely place the 
moral force, and if need be the physical might of 
this country against Germany's onslaught on 
civilization. 

J oh n. 
The policy of this country is /ion-interference 
in European politics — 

Sandy. 
Thi» is not an European war, it is or will be a 
world war, a'ou had better geX your house in order 
this war may last ten years, it can easily run 
through twenty years, there may be a temporary 
or makeshift peace, that would be a calamity, for 
it would break anew, in the meantime the whole 
world would be an armed camp. 



60 

John. 
Nonsense, man, nonsense. 

Bandy. 
Not at all, America has never been given to a 
study of world history and politics. 

John. 
We never had to, we've minded our own business. 

Bandy. 
We are provincial, the American people do not 
understand the forces at work and play. 

John. 
Maybe not, I guess you are right. 

Bandy. 
There are forces turned loose now, currents that 
have been chemicalizing for centuries, these forces 
and currents involve dynastic, racial, religious, 
social, political and economic issues. 

John, 
Possibly all that. 

Bandy. 
Life is a process, and the fermentation is the 
spawn and by-product of all the ages, Germany in 
her mad ambition for dominion and world domi- 
nation, has forgotten the cross and calvary, the 
cross is not a medal to be worn for material vic- 
tory, thef cross is the crucifixion, it is the sublime 
and suprerge sacrifice, that '^the spirit liveth on 
forever.'' The world will not go back to Pagan, 
barbaric or primitive life. To avoid that conse- 
quence, the democracies of the world may have to 
battle for a century or more, but in the end, Prus- 
sianism and Germania will have to be destroyed. 



61 



John. 
That would inevitably involve this country. 

Sandy, 
America will not move until it begins to under- 
stand, then its aroused conscience will be inflamed 
by the spirit of its departed dead whose quickened 
seimlchres were not made in vain for their sacred 
memory, and in that cause, America will fight the 
German idea forever. 

John. 
The world will be bankrupt. 

Sandy. 
Better that, than dishonor and slavery. 

John. 
But we don't want our children destroyed, I 
don't want to feed my children into the furnace 
of war. 

Sandy. 
Is your family any better than those of 1776 and 
18G1? 

John. 
Decidedly not if the test comes, no. 

Sandy, 
Then you had better get ready, for the test is 
coming — 

John. 
Some way must be found out of it all, the Presi- 
dent is a great statesman and philosopher, diplom- 
acy and conciliation must sheathe the sword, "the 
pen is mightier than the sword." 



62 



Sandy. 
The pen cannot conciliate or chasten a mad 
beast, you can't make love to a leopard, you've 
got to cage a leopard, the world has got to break 
the Hun's sword, or Christianity is a mockery. 

John. 
If it keeps going, we'll have a panic, my family 
and all of us will be ruined and broken. 

Sandy. 
What makes you jump to that conclusion? 

John. 
Because the business needs an amount of money 
beyond my power to raise. 

Sandy. 
Then you haven't given me your full confidence. 

John. 
Not exactly that, but things have grown and 
developed so rapidly that I myself have not 
grasped events and consequences. 
(William and Tom enter from R., the inner of- 
fice rather startled to find John & Sandy 
present. ) 

William. 
A little early, aren't you? 

Tom. 
The demonstration is scheduled for eleven o'clock. 

John, 
What do you pay this fancy French demon- 
strator ? 

Tom. 
He isn't French, he's Swiss. 



63 

William. 
We ])a\ liim five dollars. 

Sandy. 
Per week? 

Tom. 
Per day, he isn't cheese, he's a chef, most expert. 

John. 
What are his hours? 

William^. 
Two hours a day. 

John. 
Does your whole force work on that schedule? 

William. 
Well, not precisely, this man is a specialist. 

Sandy. 
How do you operate? 

William^. 
The average hours in the plant are five and three- 
quarters. 

Tom. 
W^e have a minimum wage and a profit shariDg 
schedule. 

William. 
A co-operative insurance scheme. 

Tom. 
And old age pensions. 



CA 



William. 
We have rest rooms and shower baths. 

Tom, 
And a bowling alley and reading rooms. 

William. 
No man can work in this plant who smokes, 
drinks, chews or gambles. 

Tom. 
We are going to take care of the men's morals. 

William. 
So that the men can save 'and become joint 
owners of the business. 

Sandi/. 
Do you also furnish them with tops, marbles 
and candy? 

John, 

How do you expect to make anything? 

Sandy. 
When their expectations and limitations collide, 
there will be an explosion. 

Tom. 
This business is being planned on broad humani- 
tarian principles, it can't lose, we'll make a 
billion — 

Sandy. 
Your broad humanitarian principles seem to 
make little provision for those who are supplying 
the capital to make your business possible 

Tom. 
Capital will get its return later on. 



05 



Sandy. 
Later on — tliere may not be any later on, what 
then? 

Tom. 
You're a pessimist — what then — 

William. 
Our idea is by creating a partnership between 
capital and labor, we eliminate lost motion and 
waste, we propos^e to secure and hold the love and 
affection of our employees, that makes co-operative 
efftciency — this compelling force of co-related en- 
deavor, produces the maximum of energy and result. 

Tom,. 
Its the Henry Ford idea. 

William. 
The foundation unit of civilization is the family 
just as you. Dad, have builded for mother — for 
Emily and for me and included Aunt Polly, we 
plan for a Avidened group encompassing the whole 
human family, hasn't Henry Ford with honesty and 
rectitude made millions with his little tin toy fol- 
lowing the same principle, we can make billions, 
the world doesn't have to ride, but it must eat, why 
not pork and beans, our pork and beans properly 
seasoned — its very simple. 

Sandy, 
Poetical, very poetical. 

William. 
One of the first things we plan to do in the spring 
is to hiy out a park on Long Island and build ideal 
homes for our employees. 

Tom,. 
I'll change my ring on my finger. 



G6 

Sandy. 
What's the idea? 

Tom, 
Its a reminder. 

Sandy, 
Of what? 

Tom. 
IVe got to huy an encyclopedia. 

What's an encyclopedia got to do with pork and 
beans ? 

Tom. 
I want to find out how many billions of people 
in the world, and what they all eat. 

Sandy. 
What's the connection? 

Tom. 
We'll make them eat pork and beans. 

Sandy. 
All of them? 

Tom. 
Just think of our honest, legitimate profits, if a 
billion people eat only one can a year, think what 
that means. 

Sandy, 
It has considerable meaning. 

Tom. 
Suppose we educated them to eat one can a 
month, beans are healthy, and then suppose, sup- 
pose — 



67 

Sandy. 
What's the last supposition? 

Tom, 
It makes my headache even to try to figure our 
profits, if we could get a billion people to eat a 
can a week. 

Sandy, 
When did you first begin to think in billions? 

Tom, 
I don't get you. 

Sandy, 
I can't think in billions. 

Tom. 
Why not? 

Sandy. 
My mind Avon't grasp it. 

Tom. 
Its very easy. 

Sandy, 
Not for me. 

Tom. 
I'll teach YOU, everything is mental and psycho- 
logical, think it, think hard, think often, say it to 
yourself, say it out loud a million, a million, a mil- 
lion — a billion, a billion, a billion, a trillion, a tril- 
lion, a trillion. 

Sandy. 
What's a trillion, that's a new w^ord. 



68 



Tom. 
Its the new fi.^ure, a number, a trillion dollars is 
a thousand billion dollars. 

^andy. 
Never heard of it, where did you get it, sounds 
like Aunt Polly and Micah Hab Dab, Hab Dab, 
it must be occult. 

Tom, 

You might as well learn it we will soon be in 
the trillion dollar age. 

John. 
Sandy, for God's sake, come on let's look over 
the plant. 

(Exit Sandy and John, back C.) 

William. 
Tom, how are we going to get the money to 
finance the western plant? 

Tom. 
From your father. 

William, 
What do you suppose my dad is, a government 
printing press? 

Tom. 
A very worthy and lovable father and I hope 
in law. 

William. 
There's a limit to dad's resources. 

Tom. 
Oh! of course. 



69 



William. 
Money is earned, not manufactured, let's not over- 
look that we may not be as good business men as 
we think ourselves, I say as we think we are. 

Tom, 
See here Bill, are you losing confidence in your- 
self, are you getting cold feet this early in life. 

William. 
Not a darned bit of it, and what's more, you 
know it Tom Higgins, only who would have 
dreamed that this blamed war was coming off to 
muss things up. 

Tom, 
Why worry about the war, it isn't our scrap. 

William. 
Its mixing things up. 

Tom, 
It won't bother us, we're the richest nation on 
earth and we've got the punch. 

William. 
Why don't you help finance, your folks are rich? 

Tom. 
Didn't I give you the idea, didn't I? 

Willidm. 
Yes, its your idea. 

Tom, 

How much do you want me to do, doesn't brain 

power count for anything, anyway Bill you know 

my gove'nor, now what chance would any guy have 

to get money out of my old man, gee he's as hard 



70 

as nails, he thinks not one man in a hundred has 
any right to live. He classifies people in two 
classes, fools and dam fools. 

William. 
I know — say Tom, what class does he put you in? 

Tom. 
He thinks yoa and I belong to the second class. 

William. 
One thing is sure and certain, any dam fool can 
have an idea^ it takes a smart man to demonstrate 
the worth and value of it. 

Tom. 
Three talents are enough for any one man. 

William. 
If he has them, one talent is really enough if 
one really has one. 



Tom. 



I've got three. 



William. 
What do you call them? 

Tom.. 
I have inspiration, ambition, enthusiasm. 

William. 
You hate yourself, you do, you belong to the an- 
cient and dishonorable order of dreamers, you 
dream of royal robes and crowns and expect me to 
get them for you. 

Tom. 
You are losing your nerve. 



71 



William^. 
We are in trouble, and it may be very serious, 
I haven't said anything to Dad, I can't evidence 
lack of confidence or pep, but that western plant 
has got to be taken over next week, the first pay- 
ment is fifty thousand, and then you know very well 
we have over three hundred thousand dollars' 
worth of Australian meats on order subject to 
draft in the next thirty days, foreign exchange is 
jumping, what are we to do, what can we do? 

Tom. 
Its easy — we ought to buy more meat, a great 
deal more, I believe in buying all the pork we can 
get, read the newspapers, they say Congress be- 
lieves in pork, and some of these Congressmen are 
pretty wise guys. 

William. 
Easy Tom, its pretty soft for you, guys like you 
always have it soft and easy, live on your wits, 
never bother your head about anything. 

Tom. 
Does worry pay you any dividends, does losing 
sleep win you any yellow backs, calm yourself, take 
my advice and consult Micah Hab Dab, Hab Dab, 
Aunt Polly's friend, she introduced me, fine invest- 
ment, Micah has the right idea, study the stars, 
they^ll twinkle for you. 

William. 
How in the deuce can I get any money out of the 
stars. The Trans-Continental Bank warned me 
this morning to go slow, there's a panic brewing 
— the war is raising merry hell, they are talking 
of closing the stock exchange, if it keeps going this 
way, we'll all go broke. 



72 



Tom. 
Oh ! cheer up, it will all come out alrisjht. '^Suffi- 
cient unto the day is the evil thereof." Study your 
bible, its a good book, study Job, he was a patient 
guy. 

Willia^m. 
(The telephone rings, Wm. at the 'phone.) 
Hello I Hello ! yes, this is the office of Pork and 
Beans, Inc., William Smith — yes — no, not John 
Smith, this is William Smith, my father will be 
here shortly, you w^ant him to ring you up, yes, yes, 
I understand, bill of lading, draft attached twenty 
thousand three seventy-six not that much in our 
account, w^e'll make it good right away. 

Tom. 
Banks are a nuisance, why don't they pay the 
draft, what are banks for anyway if they can't pay 
one's checks and drafts? 

William. 
How does that bean shipment come to be so big? 
I certainly thought I had that taken care of. 

Tom,. 
Whose draft is it? 

William. 
Michigan beans, seems to me its three times as 
much as we agreed to order, I'll look it up. 

Tom. 
Oh I I guess its all right, who has the draft? 

William. 
The Stuvesant National, where are w^e going to 
get the money? 



73 



Tom. 
You will just have to get it, we have to have 
those beans, it wouldn't be pork and without the 
beans. 

William, 
Dam YOU Tom Higgins, I must get it, you are 
the greatest little — ''Let George do it" I ever saw. 
What do you think I am, and my poor old Dad 
trusting me, and believing in me, backing me down 
to the bone. 

Tom, 
You are a wonder, your father's a wonder, your 
mother is a wonderful mother, j^our sister is the 
most wonderful girl I ever met, I'm crazy about 
her, she makes me delirious every time I think of 
her, I wish to God I was a member of your family. 

William. 
Well, I am going to vote against your admission. 

Tom. 
Xow come, old pal, you wouldn't, would you 
really do that Bill — to me — 

William. 
Exactly that. 

(Enter Emily and Tony.) 

Emily. 
Hello! Will you leave home so early now-a-da\s, 
I never see you in the morning. 

William, 
Early, well, I get up now at five-thirty. I have 
to work, I get here at seven o'clock, you folks are 
in the way — you are to confounded prompt. 



74 



Tony. 
Miss Emily was afraid ze was to late to see your 
father. 

Has father gone, where is father? 

Tony. 
TMiere ees father? 

William. 
Did you come — 

Tom. 

What did you come for? 

^¥illiam. 
We invited you to a pork and bean exhibition. 

Tom. 
Observation — I mean demonstration. 

Emily. 
Halucination, Tony wants to see father, and I 
want to see father. 

William. 
You better not worry him to-day, what's the 
trouble? 

Emily. 
The Bridge of Tolls. 

William. 
I thought so, I guess Dad is still paying tolls, 

Tom^. 
Bill, won't you please take Mr. Martinelli back 
to see father, back in the plant, way back. Miss 
Emily, please don't go, just this minute. 



75 

Emily. 
I must explain to father. 

Tom, 
I must explain to you. 

William, 
Of all the nerve, you take the shine, come on 
Tony. 

(They exit arguing, Tony remonstrating.) 

Emily, 
I can't give you more than a minute, please be 
brief. 

Tom, 
How can you? 

EmAly, 
Can what? 

Tom, 
Why don't you? 

Emily, 
Do what? 

Tom, 
Can the spaghetti. 

Emily, 
Do you count that a highly cultivated thought? 

Tom, 
Er-er-er-er, it was unworthy and ungentlemanly. 

Emily, 
I'll forgive you, don't do iti again, I want to be 
your friend. 



7G 



Tom. 
I don't want to be rude, I don't mean to pre- 
sume, but Miss Emily, as sure as you live, that guy 
is after your money. 

Emily. 
T\Tiat are you after, money is your God. 

Tom. 
You are my God, I pray to you every hour of 
every day. 

Emily. 
Let it remain silent devotion. 

Tom^. 
I've got to tell you that I love you. 

Emily. 
But I don't love you. 

Tom. 
The moment I first set eyes on you, I knew you 
had a halter around my neck. 

Emily. 
You have a pretty neck. 

Tom. 
For you to choke, oh! please don't. 

Emily. 
Forget me. 

Tom. 
How can I, when I'm out of your sight I'm 
miserable. 

Emily. 
Oh I fudge, all boys say that. 



I ^ 



Tom. 
I don't like fudge, really I don't. 

Emily. 
You have pretty eyes, yet 1 would never marry 
a man with brown eyes. 

Tom. 
Don't kid me, you are cruel, I worship you and 
I want you to be my wife. 



Emily. 
Mrs. Thomas Higgins. 

Tom. 
Won't you say yes? 

Emily. 
That is some advance over Smith, nevertheless, 
I like Smithy its democratic, and such a good old 
American name, for the present, I think I'll keep it. 

Tom. 
What's in a name, if you like Smith, we'll keep 
Smith — I'd just as soon be Smith as Higgins, I 
want you. 

Emily. 
You can't have me. 

Tom. 
I'm going to marry you, you've got to marry me, 
no other man can have you, I'll make you love me. 

Emdly. 
T\Tiat is there about you, that you think I really 
ought to love? 



78 



Tom. 
Young woman, you need discipline, if you think 
you can ridicule me and g(^t away with it, you are 
mistaken in the man, this fool stage idea has turned 
your little blonde head, there's nothing to it, don't 
ruin your life, write yes, but don't act — 

Emily. 
Tom, may I call vou Tom? 

Tom. 
You may call me any old thing. 

Emily. 
Well, then, if you are serious — 

Tom. 
How" could you doubt my intense love for you? 

EmUy. 
If w^e must be serious, let me say earnestly but 
kindly it can never be, w^e are not fitted for each 
other, we would never be happy. 

Tom. 
Foolish child, we'll be happier than heaven, we'll 
be rich and famous. 

Emily. 
What are riches good for? 

Tom. 
Don't you know what you can buy for money? 

Emily. 
Not happiness, don't you see the breakers ahead? 

Tom. 
Not with you, I could sail any sea. 



79 



Emily. 
Think of the storms that sweep the sea. 

Tom. 
The sunshine of your smile will break any cloud. 

Emily. 
Marriage is a wide ocean and has many moods. 

Tom. 
My great love for you would lull the angry ones. 

Emily. 
Tempests break unawares. 

Tom. 
That wouldn't hurt us if we have a good ship. 

Emyily. 
Many have to leave the good ship and row in 
small boats. 

Tom, 
I've a good strong arm. 

Emily. 
Physical strength you have its a good asset, men- 
tal and moral stamina is as essential, have you 
that? 

Tom,. 
For a girl, you ask a boy the funniest questions. 

EmAly. 
When one marries, boyhood and girlhood ends. 

Tom. 
Why should it, mine won't. 



80 



Eniily. 
That's the very point Tom, frankly I haA'e grave 
doubts if you have strong moral stamina and char- 
acter, that is what makes the real man, you see 
Tvhen I say yes to a man, I Tvant to be very sure 
of that yes, its only one wee bit of a word, but it 
means everything. 

Tom, 
Everything. 

Emily. 
Everything in the world to a woman. 

Tom,, 
Just as much to a man. 

Emily. 
No, you don't understand the fundamental things 
of life, if you think so, a icoman has nothing in 
the loorld hut her youth, a man has everything 
even old age. 

Tom. 
You're a many sided girl, I've always known 
how wonderful you are, if you will be my wife, 
no matter how old you may grow, no matter how 
TNTinkled or hoAV grey, to me you will always be 
just as you are to-day, youth — 

Em^ily. 
That is the true test of a happy marriage all 
men promise, few perform. 

Tom,. 
I swear by all the saints in heaven to keep my 
word. 

Emily. 
I'm not interested in marrying at this time. 



81 



Tom. 
You should be, you are old enough to marry. 

Emily. 
How do you know how old I am? 

Tom. 
Aren^t you Bill's twin sister? 

Emily. 
Oh! 

Tom. 
I'm some older and you should listen to your 
elders. 

Emily. 
Why do you want to marry, and why me? 

Toufi, 
Because I love you. 

Emily. 
You think you do, I am not so sure you know 
what real true love is. 

Tom^. 
Do you, and if you do, how do you come to be 
so wise? 

Emily. 
Haven't you said a thousand times I was won- 
derful — Fm not, there's nothing wonderful about 
me, I know myself, I'm a plain American girl, 
women are growing faster than you men think, I 
want to marry some day, it's my dream as much 
as that of every girl that has gone before, but I am 
not going to marry foolishly, just to be married. 
I want to know the temper of the steel of the man 
who gives me his pledge. 



82 



Tom. 
You are right — God you are wonderful, you make 
me tingle, I'm going to fight for you, give me a 
chance. 

Emily, 
Chances are made, not given ( laughing, she runs, 
exit, back C). 

Tom. 
She's dead right, a man should prove the metal 
in him, I wonder if I am any good. 
(Enter John, William and Tony.) Excuse me 
(Tom exits back C). 

Willid^m. 
Dad, don't do this. 

John. 
Whrv not, it's for vour sister. 

William^. 
Because, Djad, it's all Avrong, all wrong. 
(Enter Emily.) 

Emily. 
What's all wrong? 

William. 
This foolishness betAveen you and Tony, honest 
sis, you don't know the difference between sugar 
and salt. 

Tony. 
Meester Willie, your sister is incomparable, you 
will be proud. 

John. 
Martinelli, how much more money do you think 
this production will really need? 



83 



Tony. 
Three thousand, four thousand, five thousand 
niavbe six. 

John. 
YouVe had five thousand already, you told me 
when you started out, Emily, that you had it all 
fi.irured out, eight thousand dollars were the total 
estimates, if I remember correctly. 

Emily, 
Yes, father, that's so. 

Tony. 
Things always cost, more, much more zen ze 
figure. 

William. 
The Bridge of Tolls, Dad, Tony will have the 
bridge, you'll pay the tolls. 

Emily. 
I could say ugly things if I wanted to, there are 
many things in this family that need seasoning 
besides WiUiam's pork and beans. 

J oh n. 
Well, Martinelli, try and keep your expenses 
down, I'll give you a thousand to-morrow, anyway. 
(Exit back C— Emily and Tony.) 

WiUicun. 
You knoT\', Dad, we've a draft at the Stuyvesant 
National, bean draft — Michigan beans, twenty 
thousand — tliree seventy six — that's just got to be 
paid to-day. 

John. 
I've sent Andrew do^^^lto^vn with some prime se- 
curities, it's a package my \>ot — I had put away 



84 



for yolir mother's old age, I never thought I would 
ever touch that package, Andrew ought to be hi^-e 
any minute. 

William. 
Dad, you don't mean that you are so extended 
that you are doing that? 

John. 
Yes — my boy — precisely that. 

William. 
We have got to raise a lot of money yet — I 
thought you had succeeded in selling a good bunch 
of treasury stock. 

John. 
Your books ought to shoAv the exact amount you 
have sold. 

William. 
I know what the stock book shows, but I thought 
you said you had some one in tow for big sales, 
who have you invited over to-day — any good pros- 
pect for a substantial deal, we need an awful lot 
of money. 

John. 
Robert and Edward Gilles, Mrs. Thornton, you 
know she is very rich, old Howard Johnstone 
thinks well of it, Peter Smelzer the brewer. 

William.. 
I hope the affair is a success, if it goes well, we 
ought to sell, how much do you think we might 
sell them? 

John. 
I don't know, figuring is just figuring, it doesn't 
always produce results, you and Tom figured me 
into this thing, but then I'm only your father. 



85 



William. 
You've been a miglity fine Dad to me. 

John, 
if things only come out one one-hundredth of 
your expectations, I'll be a very happy man, you 
see, my boy, you and Emily are everything in the 
world to me, I do so want to see you succeed. 

William. 
I've found out more about life in the last two 
months in business than during all my years in 
college, it takes a whopping lot of money to get 
an organization of this kind going. Isn't money a 
funny kind of a thing? 

John. 
As you grow older, you'll find something funnier 
than money. 

William* 
What can it be? 

John. 
A woman's smile. 

William, 
I don't understand. 

John. 
The dimple in a woman's cheek. 

William. 
I don't think I understand you. 

John. 
The wave in a woman's hair. 

William,. 
Just what do you mean? 



8(j 



John. 
A woman's hand, the turn of her ankle. 

William. 
What are you driving at? 

John. 
Her gloves, the perfume on her handkerchief. 

Willidm. 
Dad, what's the game? 

John. 
The funniest game in the world, money and 
woman. 

William. 
You think I've misplayed the first and may the 
second. 

John, 
I've been trying to figure you out, I don't think 
I understand you, I'm wondering if there's a 
woman in your life. 

William. 
Isn't it strange, you're my father and I'm your 
son and we've been pals in a way, and we don't 
know each other, I've never thought about girls, 
only I want to succeed. 

John. 
I suppose we never see each other or anything 
from the same angle, young folks never under- 
stand like old folks, and old folks always believe 
in the possibilities of youth, nevertheless, it's true 
success is a thing you can't wish on anybody. 



87 



William, 
If one's principles are correct, and one works 
hard, things are bound to come out. 

John. 
If one makes a true reckoning of all the ele- 
ments that enter into the situation, and one's luck 
is running fifty per cent, with him. 
(Enter Tom R.) 

Tom. 
Governor, The Stuvesant Natl, 'phoned a few 
minutes ago, they want you to come down, the 
President wants to talk to you. 

John. 
Yes ! Yes ! I'll go doA^Ti. 

Tom. 
Banks are a blamed nuisance, aren't they? 
(Enter Sandy, Emily and Tony, Back C.) 

Emili/. 
Uncle Mc thinks The Bridge of Tolls is a classic, 
I've given him the big climax. 

Tony. 
Et ees a work of art. 

John. 
Sandy, do you think this play is really a play, 
has it a chance? 

Sandy. 
It sounds pretty good to me. 

Emily. 
Didn't you tell me you thought it was a classic, 
honest, now, didn't you? 



88 



Sandy, 
Honey, I was only teasing you, I really know 
nothing of tlie stage, I have been told that play- 
writing is like the seven years' itch, you itch and 
you scratch and the thing never leaves you. 

WilUam. 
Oh ! Dad forget it — it's Emily's folly, poor kid, 
sthe'll learn, it must be terribly difficult for a 
woman to get an idea of the world. 

Emily. 
Please, Mr. William the Conqueror, when you 
make your billions of money, won't you, among 
your multitudinous philanthropies, at least build 
your little sister a toy playhouse. 

William. 
I suppose you want to be a Marie Antoinette 
— no, siree, no royal family for me, we are demo- 
crats, this is a bad century for Kings, the Kings 
and Queens have got to go. 

(Enter Kobinson highly elated.) 

Robinson. 
It's all right, Mr. Smith. 

John. 
How much did you raise? 

Robinson. 
Seventy-five thousand dollars. 

John. 
Bully, what did it cost, what was the toll? 

Robinson. 
I had to pay four bonuses, tAventy per cent, 
in all. 



89 

John. 
Good God, the usurers. 

^andy. 
Wliat do YOU mean twenty per cent, in all? 

Bohinson. 
Just what I say, it's like this, I couldn't see the 
President of the bank, you seldom can see the 
President, I saw the third Vice-President, he said 
times were too precarious to be loaning money, but 
he recommended me to Graham and Company the 
brokers, you see their advertisements in all the 
papers. 

Sandy. 
Those fellows have a shady reputation. 

Robinson. 
They said they thought they could get the money 
if I would pay them five per cent, brokerage, they 
would work it through a friend who had influence 
with his bank, this friend would want five per 
cent, for his work, now this friend had a friend 
in the bank who pulled the strings in the bank 
and he had to have five per cent., then the Presi- 
dent of the bank had to have five per cent., when 
I got through the barbed wire financial entangle- 
ments, the total brokerage was tAventy per cent., 
but I got the money, Mr. Smith, you told me you 
had to have it no matter what it cost, and I al- 
ways obey orders, literally, sir! 

J oh n. 
What bank made the loan? 

Rohinson. 
The bank that sent me to Graham and Co., The 
Homestead Trust Co. 



90 



Bandy. 
Didn't I hear you say some time ago, William, 
that you wanted money, heaps of money, moun- 
tains of money, millions of money, billions of 
money, and what was that word that Tom coined, 
trillion — I think maybe you boys will become tril- 
lionaires, paying twenty per cent, usury is a good 
start towards your goal. 

John. 
This is what goes on among business men, in 
this the greatest city of the world. 

Rohinson. 
Many of the biggest banks and trust companies 
do it, Mr. Smith; always have done it, ever since 
I've been a secretary. 

John. 
The law is pretty bad, sometimes I'm terribly 
disheartened, but the laAV is petty larceny com- 
pared to the banking business. 

Bandy. 
It's all in the game, part of Emily's tolls that we 
pay to cross the bridge. 

WilUam. 
But the bridge ought to be free, it's infamous, 
and we ought not pay it. 

John. 
But we have to have the money, what's a man 
to do, deep down in my heart I've been sick and 
sore for years, that's why I listened to William's 
pork and bean proposition, I'm always saying to 
myself, maybe it will prove a gold mine. 



91 

William. 
Dad, wo are j?oing to succeed, it's a great idea, 
a thoroughly seasoned idea, if we make good, we 
can remedy a lot of wrongs in the world. 

Sandi/. 
When is this darned demonstration coming off? 

John. 
Tom, get the Stuyvesant on the 'phone for me, 
please. 

Tom. 
All right governor (takes 'phone). Rector, 9100, 
please — Hello, Rector, 9100, this the Stuyvesant 
Xatl. just a minute — all right, governor. 

John. 
(Takes 'phone) Stuvesant Natl. Bk. — I want to 
speak to President Dinsmore, please, yes, yes, John 
Smith, Pork & Beans, Inc. Hello ! Mr. President, 
this is John Smith, you w^ant to have a confidential 
talk with me about the business, yes, what do I 
think of it — well, I'm backing it to the limit, it 
ought to be a winner, it looks as if it might be a 
mint, you ought to get some of the stock, our ac- 
count, oh I that's all right, we're depositing sev- 
enty-five thousand dollars to-day, I'll see you to- 
morroAV (rings off). Have you made your deposit, 
Robinson? 

Rohinson. 
An hour ago, sir (exits R. ). 

John. 
If this thing goes, I'm going to pension Rol)inson. 
(Enter Robert and Edw^ard Gilles— Mrs. Thorn- 
ton.) Oh! how do you do, Mrs. Thornton, I'll de- 
clare you are gc^tting younger and more beautiful 



92 



every day, do yon know Mr. Robert Gillis, Mr. 
Edward Gilles, may I introduce you, Mrs. Thorn- 
ton, Mess. Gilles. 

The Gilles. 
Mrs. Thornton. 

Mrs. Thornton. 
I am sure it is a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Gilles, 
John Smith, you are such a flatterer, don't I real- 
ize that Richard Thornton has been dead ten years, 
how I have missed the dear soul, he was a model 
husband, I think good husbands always die young, 
isn't that so, Mr. Gilles? 

Robert Gilles. 
I've always had an idea that the best ones never 
marry. 

Mrs. Thornton. 
Do you mean to say you do not believe in 
marriage. 

Edward Gilles. 
Oh! my — ^you mustn't take Bobby seriously, 
Bobby is a widower, without chick or child, he's 
very lonesome and really has a beautiful dis- 
position. 

Robert Gilles. 
Mrs. Thornton, have you any children? 

Mrs. Thornton. 
No incumbrances, why do you ask? 

Edward Gilles. 
Bobbv loves children. 



93 



John. 
Now, I will wager that Mrs. Thornton's twenty- 
eighth birthday will not come this year. 

Mrs. Thornton, 
I did marry very young. 

John. 
Nevertheless, your wisdom was demonstrated in 
youth for Thornton left you a beautiful estate. 

Mrs. Thornton. 
See how your wisdom has added to it, do you 
knoAv my secretary was figuring with me last night, 
since you probated poor Richard's will, you've 
made a clean quarter of million for me. 

Robert Gilles. 
I say, Edward, she is young and pretty. 

E (hoard Gilles. 
Bobby, I w^onder what she had to start with— 
this John Smith is a deuced clever lawyer. 

( Enter Howard Johnstone and Peter Smelzer. ) 

John. 
So glad to see you Johnstone, how are you, 
Peter? 

Peter, 
AchI got un himmel, John, pork mit beans — I 
not like im, ober for you John, meine guten freundt, 
I puy twenty tousand stock, you say so — yes, I 
puy, ober it vehr nicht besser, sauer kraut und 
wiener wurst. Ach! got un himmel, das is essen, 
fine, smecks gut, ober pork and beans, nicht, das 
is nicht essen. 



94 



Howard Johnstone. 
Every nation has its favorite food or dish, it's 
characteristic and typical, now Peter, you Ger- 
mans like sauer kraut and wiener wurst, your 
kraut of course is sliced into strings and pickled, 
your wurst, sausages, ground meat, it's all typical, 
your nation is a pickled nation, your people are 
ground into pieces like sausage meat, and you're 
packed into a skin and your rulers string you to- 
gether like a bunch of wiener wurst. 

Robert Gilles. 
Very good! upon my word, who ever heard of 
an Englishman liking sausage, you can't grind an 
Englishman. 

John Smith. 
^^Seasoned Pork and Beans, Inc.," is a good in- 
vestment. I believe in it. I wasn't content to 
accept my own judgment, you see I might have 
been swayed by self-interest, before inviting the 
public or permitting my friends to partake of the 
flavored product, I submitted the idea to experts, 
both technical and financial, the opinions I re- 
ceived bulwarked me, the stock in the course of 
time should rival Standard Oil. 

Mrs. Thornton. 
I'll take fifty thousand dollars' worth, John, 
however, I can't pay for it entirely until Janu- 
ary, my interest and dividend quarter, you know. 

Robert Gilles. 
Upon my soul. 

Edioard Gilles. 
Quarter income permits fifty, annual must ex- 
ceed two hundred. 

(Enter Mary, Aunt Polly.) 



95 



Mary. 
We've had a terrible morning, two tires blew 
out. 

John, 
Unbelievable. 

Sandy, 
Everything in the world blows out when tired. 

Emily. 
You wicked punster. 

Sandy. 
The greatest surprise to me is that we, myself, 
at any rate, haven't blowTi out long ago. 

John. 
The pun is not relevant, the car is a brand new 
car, and the tires haven't worked long enough to 
be tired. 

Sandy. 
But they may be like the average men and 
women of the day, tired before they started. 

Robert Gilles. 
But most folks are not tied when they start. 

Edward Gilles. 
Bobby, you are thinking of strings. 

Sandy. 
I said tired not tied. 

Mrs. Thornton. 
I do love you Englishmen, you are so witty. 



9t) 



Mary. 
The car must be to heavy, there's something 
wrong with it. 

Polly. 
I'm afraid of my life in these fast machines. 
there are so many things to run into. 

William, 
Poor Aunt Polly. 

Polly. 
Don't you poor Aunt Polly me. 

William. 
Forgive me, I love you. 

Polly. 
I'm happy, even if I am lonesome, besides I am 
not an idler, and I have no vagaries, no foibles 
and no frailities, neither fads or idiosyncracies, no 
fancies and no follies. 

William. 
Have you see Micah Hab Dab Hab Dab lately. 

Polly. 
I saw ^licah this morning. 

William. 
Oh! you did. 

Polly. 
Micah says the war is on for years, maybe five, 
maybe ten, maybe fifty. 

John. 
You are sure he said maybe. 



97 



Polly. 
He certainly did, and I've started knitting, knit- 
ting for the soldiers, Micah says we'll soon be in it, 
that we can't keep out of it, Micah says the stars 
tell him ten million men will die, millions of 
women and little children will die, a hundred mil- 
lion will be in want and distress, crippled, dis- 
eased, famished, the world will be staggered by the 
horror of it all, just because a tainted, cruel, loath- 
some crew of Prussian curs Avant to force the world 
to eat sauerkraut and wiener wurst and goose- 
step the world into a Prussian helmet to the tune 
of '-deutschland uber alles" — 

Robert Gilles. 
I say who is Micah, Hab Dab, Hab Dab? 

John. 
Only Aunt Pollv's astrologist. 

Tom. 

A most wonderful man, IVe met him, the stars 
indicate famine and he told me to invest in food- 
stutfs, I have in pork and beans. 

Polly. 
If you men and women have any understanding 
of what this war involves, you'll learn to knit, 
for knitting will win the war, before very long 
every man, woman and child in the world will have 
to fight, knit or pay (she distributes yarn and 
needles ) . 

Peter. 
Xicht, I nicht, knit, you nicht like sauerkraut 
und wiener wurst, I nicht like pork mit beans, und 
I nicht knit, I go. 



98 



John. 
Oil! don't go Peter, Aunt Polly did not mean 
to offend jou. 

Peter, 
Icht besser I go. 

John. 
I'd like to have you test the pork and beans, you 
know they are seasoned. 

Peter, 
Neine, I go. 

Jolvn. 
Shall I send your stock to the brewery, you'd bet- 
ter take fifty thousand Peter, it's a great invest- 
ment. 

William. 
The stock ought to be worth two hundred a share 
in six months. 

Peter. 
You nicht goose step, I nicht goose step, Ich 
nicht buy your stock, guten tag (exits). 

Tom. 
You shouldn't have offended him Aunt Polly, it 
isn't a good thing to speak your mind too freely, 
twenty thousand was a good subscription, he might 
have taken more, besides we need the money. 

Edward Gilles. 
You need the money. 

William. 
You see we are buying and starting a western 
plant, this is developing into a tremendous, monu- 
mental business, a regular steel corporation, a bil- 
lion-dollar proposition. 



99 



Robert Gilles. 
Did you say steal? 

William. 
U. S. Steel. 

Robert Gilles, 
Oh! 

Polly, 
Don't you understand how to knit? 

Robert Gilles. 
I say, isn't that a woman's task, isn't it? 

PolUj. 
Some men have feminine inclinations. 

Robert Gilles. 
Oh! 

Polly. 
We can't have slackers, men and women, young 
and old will have to knit, Micah says, and astrology 
never fails, its a science, the whole world is doomed, 
the truth is being crucified. 

Robert Gilles. 
I say my word. 

Edioard Gilles. 
This Micah, is he a phonograph, you say he gets 
a wireless from the stars. 

Sandy. 
Yes! Yes! Mars has the line. 

Edioard Gilles. 
I wonder if one had better not be careful with 
one's money. 



100 



Robert Gilles. 
I hadn't thought of that, we miglit need it. 

Sandy. 
I can't learn to knit, Aunt Polly, I'm to old, 
can't we have the pork and beans. I like 'em. 

Tom, 
Ha ! Ha ! you want to incorporate them. 
(Enter Jacques and assistant bringing a very in- 
genuous automatic extension table, it has a 
heavy base and center, on which Jacques and 
assistant proceed to lay a large round table, 
cover it with fine white linen, while it is being 
prepared, conversation continues.) 

Emily. 
I don't like the color of these knitting needles, 
Aunt Polly. 

Polly. 
Aren't they red, white and blue, I meant to give 
you my favorite ones. 

Emily. 
Would you believe me, I had not noticed that, 
its a pretty idea. 

Tom. 
What's your idea in giving me yellow ones, if 
you have a color scheme. 

Polly. 
No offense meant, young man. 

Mary. 
Mine bend to much, I never could knit. 



101 



Mrs. Thornton. 
This yarn is really to thin to do anything with it. 

William. 
If you pursue this Aunt Polly, we'll have to build 
more yarn mills. 

Polly. 
With all this money you are going to make out 
of pork and beans, you can start a good many 
yarn mills. 

Sandy. 
Good, don't let them tease you, Aunt Polly. 

William. 
We all love you dearest Aunt Polly. 

Tom. 
I love you, as if you were my very own, Aunt 
Polly. 

Sandy. 
I'm frightfully hungry (Jacques and assistant 
enter moving steaming perambulator, assistant 
with big silver tray, plates, cups and saucers). 

William. 
Did you ever smell anything quite so fragrant? 

Sandy. 
You have a good imagination, I'm hungry but 
can't smell anything. 

Tom. 
Food for the Gods and a hungry world. 

John. 
I haven't had any breakfast. 



102 



Howard Johnstone. 
I must have my coffee before I get out of bed, 
else I beadacbe all day. 

Robert Gilles, 
A cup of bot milk is much better, coffee is poison. 

Howard Johnstone, 
I couldn^t do without my coffee. 

Aunt Polly, 
One man's meat is another man's poison, pork 
and beans never did exactly agree with me. 

William, 
Ours are different. 

Tom. 
They are highly seasoned. : 

Mary, 
Its a very wholesome food. ' 

Tom. 
We'll have so much money Bill, we'll make 
Henry Ford pale with envy. 

Tony. 
I lika spaghetti better, in sunny It- — the fine 
spaghet — 

Mrs. Thornton, 
Whose recipe is this? 

Tom. 
It isn't a recipe, its an inspiration, one of three 
great talents. 

William, 
One of three. 



103 



Tom. 
There isn't any reason in the world why eveiy- 
body in the woi-ld shouldn't eat pork and beans. 

Edward Gilles. 
I say everybody doesn't like pork and beans. 

Tom. 
Like 'em, you've got to like 'em, they're seasoned. 

Robert Crilles. 
Upon my word everybody doesn't like seasoned 
food. 



Seasoned food causes dyspepsia. 

(Jacques and assistant draAV coffee.) 

Sandi^. 
There's too much pepper in this dish for me (he 
begins to cough). 

John, 
You mean its to highly seasoned (he coughs). 

Mrs. Thornton. 
To much pepper — 

Polhj.. 
There must be tomatoe in this combination, I 
got awfully sick once eating tomatoes, do you like 
tomatoe, Mr. McPherson? 

8and;y.. 
I do — many do not. 

Tony. 
Tomat — fine, help the spaghet — 

Tom. 
You can't season it too highly for me, pep is my 
middle name. 



101 

Tony, 
To much pep spoil the spaghet. 

Emily. 
Men and women differ in their taste in respect 
to seasoning their food as widely as in their clothes 
and their loves. 

Polly. 
I could have told you that, nobody knits alike. 

Mary. 
John, you have such a logical analytical mind, 
how did you miss the point? 

Sandy. 
What's the good of marrying, if your women folks 
let you make this sort of a blunder, why have a 
family, hire cooks, they can't do worse. 



I say. 
My word. 
Horrors. 



Robert Gilles, 
Edwm-d Gilles. 
Mrs. Thornton. 



Polly. 
What did you say that brcAver's name was, Peter 
Smells-her. 

Howard Johnstone. 
I'm sorry John, I really don't think it desirable 
stock, I had a notion I'd take a hundred thousand 
dollars, but I must decline. 

Robert Gilles. 
Yes ! Yes ! we thought we'd take fifty thousand 
dollars' worth for sister's estate, but it wouldn't 
do, would it to put orphan's money in ^'Seasoned 
Pork and Beans, Inc.," in the circumstances. 



105 

Edward Gilles. 
My word no, Bobby — no/ indeed. 

Mrs. Thornton. 
My dear John, what shall I do, I'll be ^ided by 
your judgment altogether. 

John. 
You must not buy to-day. Aunt Polly, the stars 
are not twinkling for us to-day. 

Tom. 
I think its wonderful stuff, Jacques, give me an- 
other plate full. 

William. 
Yes, Jacques, give it to him. 

Tom. 
Couldn't we manufacture different grades of 
seasoning? 

William. 
It isn't feasable, the idea that appealed to me 
Avas bottomed on unity, concentration, quality, 
quantity, the whole scheme falls apart. 

Tom^. 
I don't see, exactly, that, '^seasoned to suit you" 
would be a good selling slogan, this thing must not, 
cannot fail, my whole life is at stake, the funda- 
mental idea, of seasoned food must be utilized, 
everybody likes things that taste good, now, we 
mustn't lose that idea, its a golden idea, and I don't 
propose to lose it, for goodness sake, don't give 
up so quick. 

Sandif. 
The world is full of ideas. 



106 

Robert Gilles. 
I say it isn't easy to cash them, is it? 

William. 
It won't do, Tom, old pal, it won't work, I see 
it now, strange I didn't see it before, you don't 
understand the psychology of mass salesmanship, 
I've studied it, salesmanship is the greatest art in 
the world, every sale involves art, and all art is 
for sale, the art started in the garden of Eden, 
when the devil originated the sale of clothes, Adam 
and Eve were the first purchasers, they bought fig 
leaves, they thought they bought knowledge, but 
the thing was camouflaged then just a^ it is now, 
all dressed up and no place to go, this thing called 
knowledge that all the world is bidding for, what 
is it, posterity would have been better off un- 
dressed, I'm not sure we would have needed money, 
nothing to hide, nothing to buy, Adam and Eve put 
a terrible mortgage on mankind when they sur- 
rendered the naked truth — can't you see — don't 
you understand? 

Tom. 
Maybe it would be better if we didn't know any- 
thing, but I still think, seasoned pork and beans 
can be sold in quantities for lots of money. 

William. 
You're wrong, a lady calls on her grocer, a worse 
pest and fiend than the tax collector, for while 
taxes haA'e to be paid once a year, your grocer is 
in your kitchen in some form or other every day, 
now the lady says to the grocer, I'll have some 
pork and beans, the grocer says, how will you have 
them seasoned, light, medium or heavy, the lady- 
meditates a moment, my youngest likes them light, 
mv oldest likes them heavy, my hubby likes them 



107 



medium, do you get me, how can you mix them to 
tickle the palate of the world's family, it can't l^ 
done. 

Tom. 
I've got to think this thing over, I don't believe 
in giving up. 

William. 
What is there to think over, we've miscalculated 
the whole thing, it was too simple, the thing wont 
work, its a fizzle, a failure, its terrible, Tom, your 
rotten ideaj child of your three talents has played 
hell. 

John. 
We are ruined, bankrupt, great God, this is 
awful. 

Tony. 
You mean no money left for the play? 

John. ^ 

None, absolutelv none. 

Tony. 
Xo money, no play, no Tony, good night nurse 
(exit). 

Emily. 
The vagabond, he has my manuscript. 

^andy. 
I want money, a lot of money, heaps of money, 
mountains of money, millions of money, billions of 
money. 

( Slow curtain. ) 



108 

A MAN'S FAMILY. 

Act III. 

Tlie setting — same as Act I. 

Discovered : 

William and Emily, the latter knit- 
ting, the former pacing the floor 
nervously. 

William. 
This suspense is killing me, I must be losing 
my mind. 

Emilp, 
Don't be foolish. 

William. 

How long is it going to last, no cable from Lon- 
don, none from Paris, not a line from Wash- 
ington. 

Emily. 
To-day is three weeks since father did that silly 
trick. 

WilUam,. 
I shouldn't call it silly. 

Emily. 
What would you call it? 

William. 
AVisdom, with sublime courage. 

Emily. 
To me it is craven cowardice. 



109 



William. 
What do you women know about life anyway? 

Emilp, 
Something, a little. 

William, 
Nothing, if anything, very little. 

Emily, 
Oh ! a great deal more than men, we create life, 

William,, 
In a way, yes. 

Emily. 
!Men are horn of, and nurtured by women. 

William,. 
It would be better if we were never born. 

Emily. 
Idiotic. 

WilUam, 
If we were never born, we wouldn't have to try 
to learn how to live, and we wouldn't have to die. 

Emily. 
Neurotic, misanthrope. 

William,, 
What's the good of it all, life's a joke. 

Emily. 
Life is beautiful. 

William,, 
Its a wicked, cruel joke, its a jolly hoax, every 
one that has lived it knows it, they might not ad- 
mit it. 



110 

Emily. 
You are sinful, to say that. 

William. 
We come into the world without being consulted, 
given a ' sex, I guess that's an accident, however, 
I'm lucky in that respect, I shouldn't have enjoyed 
being a woman, we are blonde or brunette, white 
or black or yellow, have you ever stopped to think 
what a grouch the yellows are entitled too the ones 
that aren't even regular, what do the irregulars 
have to do with their birth certificate, not that it 
really makes an awful lot of difference, but society 
says it does, Ave are given certain attributes and 
characteristics, most of them perfectly damnable, 
we'd never pick them if we had any choice, we are 
given a horrible assortment of anatomical ma- 
chinery, think of the alibi one's foreibears, create 
when one is endowed with a torpid liver, now what 
I would like to know, was it really necessary for 
a man to have a liver, do you think so, think of 
the crimes that are committed on 'account of bad 
livers, most men's families have bad livers, and 
very few of them have good hearts. 

Emily. 

Yours has lost its rvthm. 

William, 
There's nothing in the world that's right, its a 
drunken orgy this thing you call life — father was 
right to try and end his — his mistake iwas in not 
succeeding — there's nothing to it — what's the use 
of all this never-ending struggle — this whirlpool of 
baffling conflicting currents — this miasma of de- 
ferred and defeated hopes — this uncanny thing that 



Ill 



always lures you on and on, along a dangerous 
precipice, and finally, willy nilly dumps you into 
the fathomless abyss of eternity. 

Emily. 
Its cowardly not to face the issue — four square 
to every wind that blows — come what may. 

William. 
Why should it be, it takes a brave man to blow 
the light out — rather than let it burn out — take 
father's case as a fair example — of the average 
man — take his life, turn it over, think it over — 

Emily. 
What of it — he has a lot to be thankful for. 

William^. 
Not very much — a life of grinding hard work 
and sacrifice mostly spent in slaving for his family 
— father's been a straight decent man — lived for 
his family — planning their comfort and happiness 
— dreaming of a companionable old age — children 
to halo its vesper hours — you and me — what do 
we do, just exactly what the average child does, 
raise hell. 

Emily. 
Not at all, father was an adult when he married 
and established a family, he understood the re- 
sponsibilities or should have. 

Willkim. 
How could he know that one of his children 
would want to be a playwright? 

Emily. 
Didn't he run away from home? 



112 

William. 



Wliat of it? 



Emili/. 
Its the spirit of tlie family not to be shackled. 

William, 
Yes, but lie made bis own way, wbereas you and 
I are only parasites. 

Emili/, 
Father is to blame for that. 

William^, 
To blame for being too good to us. 

Emili/. 
Certainly — if he used bad judgment and pam- 
pered us — spared the rod and spoiled the child — 
he didn't have to listen to our whims — its a wise 
parent that knows how to say no. 

William. 
Well, how in the hell can a parent tell what to 
do with his children? 

Emili/. 
The problem is about the same as every other 
human equation, if one makes a mistake, one need 
not surrender. 

William. 
Oh! what's , the good of it all, what does it get 
you? 

Emili/. 
Everything that's worth anything. 

William. 
There isn't anything that's worth anything, 
what's it all about, tell me that. 



113 



Emily. 
The great big thing in the world is love- 



Willimn. 
There isn't any love in the world. 

Emily. 
Its everywhere^ you can see it — in the infinite 
ever recreating spark that fires the soul of man — 
in the electric current that flashes its inspiration 
from generation to generation, you can see it in 
the stupendous plan of the universe — isn't it a 
wonderful thing just to live — to bathe in the flood 
of sunshine to inhale, the incense of the floAvers, 
to enjoy the intoxication of nature itself. 

William. 

Sis, its a dream, love and sunshine and flowers 

may be all right, as long as your credit is good 

at the Ritz Carleton, but even there they have 

dirty dishes and dirty linen that has to be washed. 

Em^ily. 
If everything was perfection, there would be no 
problem to work out, that w^ould be paradise, you 
ask to much. 

William.. 
I am not asking for paradise I grant you, that 
nature is fairly well ordered, although ive do have 
earthquakes, cyclones and tidal waves, hut waiv- 
ing all that, how is an ordinary, every day, work- 
ing human being to find his place in this monstrous 
machine? 

Emily. 
Everything and everyone has a place and there 
is a place for ever3i;hing and every one. 



lU 



William. 
One might as T\^ell try to find the proverbial 
needle in the haystack. 



You surprise me. 
Doubtless. 



Emily. 
William. 



Emily. 
A few months ago you graduated with high 
honors, a bright perhaps a great career opened to 
you, in an honorable profession for which you were 
at least, reasonably well qualified, father handed 
you upon a silver platter, an inheritance, his prac- 
tice, his life work, you spurned it — 

William. 
You had the same great gift offered you and you 
spurned it. 

Emily. 
Only because I reached the conclusion that the 
practice of the law was not a woman's proper 
sphere, my legal education will serve me a use- 
ful purpose. 

William. 
One alibi is as good as another. 

Emyily. 
You ran into a side-track because you thought 
it Avould lead you easily and quickly into a mine 
of wealth, you should have stayed on the main 
line, now because you made a wretched failure, 
have wrecked and ruined father and the family, 
you become a pessimist, a cynic and an iconoclast, 
facing a hopeless chasm of doubt and defeat, buckle 



115 



up and be a man, life is toonderful, it is the su- 
preme magnet that draws the fire of great men^s 
souls. 

William, 
You women are getting a hold of life in a man's 
world and you think you'll solve it in a hurry, 
you'll get slashed all right, the world is a jig-saw 
that cuts your heart out, its an elusive will-o'-the- 
wisp, I've known it ever since I've worn knee pants, 
that's the reason I wanted a lot of money, money 
is some friend. 

Emily. 
Don't be an erratic anarchist — 

William,. 
Who ever heard of an anarchist that wanted 
monev ? 

Emily, 
I think they do. 

William^, 
Xo, you're T\Tong, all they want is an explosion. 

Emily. 
Isn't that your temper, now, aren't you in 
rebellion against ever}1:hing that's regular and 
orderly. 

William. 
I want power to control the machinery that 
grinds men. 

Emily. 

You have the foolish ambition of youth — every 
Harvard graduate wants to regulate the world. 



116 

William. 
Life is very unjust and very unfair. 

EmMy, 
Its part of a perfect and sublime plan. 

William. 
Its a wretched plan, every life, every home, every 
family — is just like the Smith family — nothing but 
broken china every way you turn is confusion — 
blasted hopes — every road in the universe leads to 
defeat, and disappointment — not one to happiness 
— no man dies satisfied. 

Emily. 
You are crabbed and sour, because your first ef- 
fort failed, you struck out, you thought you had 
an Aladdin's lamp, that fairy-like would bring you 
a fountain of wealth, you should have known that 
the million a minute game has been played in some 
form or other ever since the world began, you 
can't get to heaven or create a paradise here in 
that way. 

William,. 
Heaven and hell is a myth, you're in heaven when 
you've had a good feed, and you're in hell when 
you're hungry and haven't the price. 

Emily. 
A little learning is a dangerous thing, your edu- 
cation has given you some knowledge, but little 
understanding. 

William. 
Oh! fudge, I have understanding enough, its the 
same old story, thread it out, you meet Mrs. Robert 
Livingstone Pembroke, the grand dame, you know 



117 



the fluff with the lorgnette or you meet ^lagirie of 
Avenue A, they are all members of the Smith 
family, of course every Smith family has its poor 
relations and its Aunt Polly's, what are you go- 
ing to do with them, you can't poison them, you 
have to mark them and tag them, card index them, 
but they are all alike, just a bone and a hank of 
hair, every one of them \\ ill tell you the story of 
their life in thirty minutes by the watch, show you 
every skeleton in their closet and if you press the 
button, every skeleton will begin to talk, you'll 
soon find that all the skeletons are related and they 
knoAV each other's history and everyone of them, 
I say every dad blasted one of them belong to the 
bone family, which is only another name for the 
Smith family. 

Emily. 
Well, what of it? 

William. 
The hell of it, — the torment and distress, the 
realization that comes to us all, some in youth, 
others in decay, the problems that Adam and Eve 
struggled with — are the Smith family's problems 
of to-day, thousands of years coms and go, the 
same kind of water floAvs into the sea, nothing 
changes, there is no betterment, you have new 
religions, new theories, so-called new philoso- 
phies, cults, cultures, its the same old story, noth- 
ing but hones — 

Emily. 
You arrogate to yourself to much importance. 

William. 
Oh ! do I, well, maybe I do. 



118 



Emily. 
That's human frailty, life is a simple evolution, 
it folloAvs a co-ordinated plan, a thousand years 
is but a day, an age, a civilization, as we know it, 
is but a phase upon the scroll of eternity, live out 
your part, even though its relation to the whole 
be less than the ripple to the sea, grit your teeth, 
take courage, you have your profession and fatber 
needs you. 

(Enter Sandy and Mary, B. C.) 

Sandif. 
Isn't it splendid to find John so cbeerful? 

Mary. 
John is gaining rapidly. 

Sandy. 
It makes me very happ}^ 

Mary. 
If Willie, our bad, bad boy, would only help, 
father would pull together much more quickly at 
that— oh ! Willie, Willie. 

Emily. 
Will and Father will find their unity I'm sure 
of that. 

William. 
Unity that's a good name for it unite the broken 
pieces. 

Sandy. 
It's your duty boy, you owe it to your father. 

Mary. 
Remember the darkest hour, is always, just be- 
fore dawn. 



119 
William. 



Where is Dad? 



Mary. 
Aunt Polly is going to bring him down in a 
little while. 

Sandy. 
A great deal depends on you, William. 

Willianv. 
On me, what can I do. 

Sandy. 
Make good. 

William. 
How can I make good, what do you mean? 

Sandy. 
I mean what I say damn it, make good. 

William, 
On what — I've lost. 

Sandy. 
Not yet. 

William. 
Oh! yes, I lost before I got started. 

Sandy. 
You've had a holiday, a kind of a spree, get to 
work. 







William. 


Work? 




Sandy. 


Yes, work, 


w-o-r 


-k. 



120 



William. 
Work on what, my business is bankrupt, I've 
ruined my father, involved you his best friend, very 
badly, broken up the life of our home, get to work, 
I'll be jiggered, Ha Ha! He He! Ho Ho! Fm a 
peach. 

You're a wonderful boy, you'll win yet, It's not 
all your fault. 

William. 
Uncle Mc, do you think there is, really and truly, 
any good in me. I could put a little bit of the 
blame on Tom, it was his darned fool idea, but I 
don't blame Tom poor fellow. He's all broken up. 
He's a good pal. 

Emily. 
Tom at least is at work. 



And I am. 



Floundering. 



William. 



Emily. 



Sandy, 
As a rule a parent's interest in a child destroys 
the point of view. 

Emily. 
Sure every mother thinks her baby has the 
brightest eyes. 

Sandy, 
And most men think that. 



121 



William. 
Come to think of it, Father's superior business 
judgment should have Tvarned him, that the idea 
wouldn't work. 

Sandy. 
Your Father's parental affection was so strong 
it overcame his judgment. 

Emily. 
Father knew your headstrong determination.. 

William. 
Go to it, sis — I'm terrible, you are an angel 
Tony, painted wings on you. 

Emily. 
Don't ever mention that brute's name to me. 

William. 
Why call names, we spilled the beans. 

Emily. 
My ambition and experience has cost Father 
very little, and I'm going to make good. 

William. 
Going to do, that doesn't count, it's w^hat we do. 

Sandy. 
Both of you have a good lesson, it's worth every 
cent it cost. 

William. 
I know my bubbles have all burst, and my 
castles have tumbled down. 

Sandy. 
Everybody blows bubbles, at some time in their 
life, rebuild your castle upon a rock. 



122 



William. 
No mine would fall apart, my epitaph — luckless 
Bill. 

Sandi/. 
Experience will give you a firmer foundation. 

Marf/, 
My father's adage was, make haste slowly. He 
always said that. 

William. 
I've been pumped too full of sayings I should 
have been left to my doings. 

Sandk/. 
Doings can be started any minute. 

Emily. 
Start today — start this minute. 

William. 
I can't see my way, I'm blinded with dust and 
choked with beans. 

Emily. 
Fight pay your debts. 

William. 
How, what with. 

Emily. 
Hard work, dig, the world's a gold mine. 

Sa/ndy. 
It's digging that gets metal. 

Emily. 
It's all a play and it's got to be worked out line 
by line. 



123 



Bandy. 
I wish you were my daughter, where's Tom. 

Emily. 
Fighting and pulling for dear life. 

Sandy. 

That's the stuff. 

(Polly and John enter Polly rolling John in a 
rolling arm chair. Mary runs to and kisses John, 
Emily follows and kisses and pets John). 

Mary. 
Father is improving every minute. 

Emily. 
There (fixing pillows so as to make John com- 
fortable) isn't that better. 

John. 
Won't you please put it a little to the side, that 
way, that's more comfortable thank you. 

Sandy. 
You'll be in the office now in a day or two. 

John. 
I'm terribly cold. 

Emily. 
I'll get some cover (she runs for it). 

Sandy. 
I love that girl, she's twenty carat. 

John, 
Did you ever notice how the twinkle in her eye, 
catches you just like hor mother's. 



124 

Mary, 
Now Jolin quit that. 

Emily. 
(Returns and fixes cover.) Tliere that will 
warm you a bit. 

Sandy. 
Cheer up, Aunt Polly, cheer up. 

Polly. 
I've missed the Red Cross now for twenty days. 

Sandy. 
I bet they missed you. 

Polly. 
I haven't seen Micah Hab Dab, Hab Dab, either, 
I'm out of the orbit, one might as well be dead, 
as not know what the Stars are doing. 

John. 
I've been a beast to give all of you so much 
trouble. 

Mary. 
It's all right dear don't worry. 

John. 
I can't tell you how sorry I am I made an awful 
mistake. 

Sandy. 
Everything is for the best man, it's Grod's way 
and we shouldn't quarrel with destiny. 

Polly. 
Every time I think of those hot pork and beans, 
I have to laugh (she laughs hysterically). 



125 
Sandy. 



It was hot stuff. 



Mary, 
Seasoned pork and, — it really does make one 
laugh (she laughs). 

Sandy, 
Peppered,— it would make a monkey laugh (he 
laughs). 

William, 
I don't see where the laugh comes in. 

Bandy. 
Honest. 

William, 
What's the joke. 

Sandy. 
You, can't see it. 

William, 
You aren't making a monkey out of me are you. 

Emily. 
It would make a brass monkey laugh (she 
laughs ) . 

William, 
Stop it^ — stop it, this has gone far enough. 

Emily, 
Can't you see the comedy of it, you silly boy (she 
laughs). 

John. 
Seasoned (he laughs). (Polly laughs.) Sea- 
soned Pork and Beans Inc. (He laughs, Sandy 
laughs.) (They all laugh except William then he 
laughs) it was a whale of a joke, damned funny. 
How did it all come about. 



126 



Emily, 
I have never known, how did it come about. 

Sandy, 
A trillion dollars got into the world, Tom saw 
it and William pursued it. 





John, 


All of us strong 


minded men and women, suck 


ing eggs. 






Sandy, 


They all do it. 






Polly, 


Napoleon did it. 


i 




Sandy. 


Caesar did it. 






Polly, 


And Alexander. 






Sandy, 


Hannibal did it. 






Polly, 


And Cromwell. 






Emily, 


And Antony. 






Sandy, 


And Cleopatra. 






Polly, 


And William. 





Sandy, 
See the company you are in, some association 
(they all laugh). 

John, 
It's alright, my boy, well start life anew, I am 
still a very young man, I am only forty-six — 



127 

Sandy. 
That's the spirit, attaboy. 

Mary. 
Oh! I am so happy. 

Emili/. 
Xow for a real Smith family pull, altogether. 

PoUy. 
I am going to see Micah Hab Dab, Hab Dab to- 
morrow. 

William. 
Dad I guess I've been all Avrong, I should have 
had less thought of self and more of you and 
mother, — you see I'm pretty badly broken up. — 
I've got to find myself, God knows I w ant to do 
the right thing, — give me a little time to think, 
you see I'm pretty well jammed, — I can't reason 
very well, I've missed connection somewhere, and 
I don't know just where or how, — Can any of 3'ou 
tell me how a boy learns this thing you call living, 
— ^it's beginning to look pretty complicated to me. 

Sandy. 
Find good ground, get good seed, work all day 
and sleep all night, each human being has got to 
hoe out the row. 

William. 
Who wants to be a farmer, what does he get but 
seed? 

Emily. 
It's the simple life, and hasn't the complications 
you speak of. 

William. 
But a farmer never solves anything. He just 
studies the weather, and how to seed the ground. 



12S 



John. 
Yes, mj son, there is much science in farming. 

William. 
All that a farmer ever gets out of life is a larger 
family than the ordinary family. 

Emily. 
Plenty of sunshine and peace. 

William^. 
Rain and rot, I tell you it takes a lot of money to 
get anywhere in this world. 

Sandy. 
There you go again, you're money mad. 

William. 
What I can't understand Dad, is how a man 
knowing as much as you do, about the philosophy 
of life, the mechanics of it all, — fell for my fool- 
ishness, it seems to me you'd have known it 
wouldn't work? 

John. 
It is easily explained, you exploded this bomb 
on me, when I was very tired, when one fights 
one's life for a long time one gets very tired, your 
idea had the fire of youth in it and you carried 
nie along in the frenzy of family love or admira- 
tion, parents as a rule believe in their children. 
We are swept off of our feet by the heart's desire. 

Sandy. 
Old hearts' desire has many sins to. answer for. 
(An auto horn is heard very noisy.) 

William. 
Who in the dickens is that trying to raise the 
dead. 



129 



Emily, 
The town must be on fire (enter Tom wildly ex- 
cited gesticulating) . 

Tom. 
Whj wouldn't you come to tlie door to meet me, 
after me giving the chauffeur an extra dollar tip to 
blow the horn. 

William, 
What's the great noise about. 

Tom. 
Big, wonderful, tremendous news. 

William, 
Wonderful Tom what's it all about. 

Tom. 
I've lost my breath. 

Emilj/. 
You are worse than Ophelia's nurse. 

William. 
You'll be lucky if you don't lose your head. 

Sandy. 
(Excited) for God's sake man, tell us, what is 
it. 

Tom. 
(To Emily) I've gotten a manager to produce 
your play. 

William, 
Oh! Hell. 

Tom. 
You go to h-h-h-ades till I get my breath, and 
composure. 



180 



Emily. 
My, "bill you are aggravating, if it's only the 
play why the excitement, it isn't worth it. 

Tom. 
The family is all right, — the family is alright. 

William. 
Have you gone plum crazy. 

Tom, 
Bill you will. 

Sandy. 
For the love of Annie Laurie, won't you tell us 
what it's all about. 

Tom. 
I've unloaded, sold our Pork and Beans. 

William. 
To whom, how much. 

Tom. 
England, France, three millions and over. 

William^. 
My but you're a big liar, we never had that much 
to sell. 

Tom. 
How do you know what we had. 

William^'. 
Because I know, we haven't got that much stuJBf 
to sell. 

Tom,. 
We had it all the same, I never liked a piker, 
I've made enough to pay all of our bills, and we 
must have at least a half million velvet. 



131 



William. 
You're daffy, wheels, wheels, when they quit go- 
ing 'round, wake me up. 

John, 
Why not give Tom a chance to give us details. 

Mary. 
My boy tell us everything. 

Polly. 
Hot pork and beans (she laughs hysterically), 
(Tom looks at Polly in amazement). 

Tom.. 
Sure they were hot, you'd never eat them cold 
would you. 

Emily. 
( Laughing semi-hysterically. ) 
Please tell everything truthfully. What has 
happened. 

Tom. 
We had the goods, I never told Bill. 

William. 
What do you mean, you never told Bill. 

Tom. 
You'd have murdered me, you are entirely to 
conservative for a business man, you might make 
a laTs-yer. 

William. 
Vn^i'dt are you t<alking about. 

Tom. 
Plain common sense, I'm a business man, you've 
got to have merchandise if you want to make a 



132 

sale, every order we decided to put on, or in, well 
I just make the order out for three times as much. 

William. 
Without mj knowledge. 

Tom, 
Certainly — ^wasn't I secretary of the Company, 
an equal partner with you, didn't you promise to 
give me one-half of your stock for the idea, as Sec- 
retary of Pork & Beans, Inc., didn't I have rights 
not dependant on you, and not involved in pen- 
manship, didn't I intend to feed the world on pork 
and beans, I should have been President of the 
Company. 

William^, 
Well — well, what do you think of that. 

Tom. 
If I had listened to you, we would have been in 
a well, but I didn't, therefore we are free, with a 
lot of money, for a start, and the right to be happy, 
I had no trouble at all besides I'm a natural born 
salesman anyway. 

William^ 
How did you turn the trick. 

Tom. 
Easy, I made connection with the British and 
French embassies con^dnced them I had the mer- 
chandise, they cabled London and Paris respec- 
tively. 

William. 
Their governments of course, anyone would 
know thev would do that. 



133 



T(ym. 
Oh ! Would they, I believe I could have gotten 
twice as much for our pork and beans, if I had 
waited another dav. 

Sandy. 
Because they're seasoned. 

Tom. 
Xo, they don't want them seasoned, just plain 
old-fashioned pork and beans, they want them in 
a hurrv for the armv, to bad we haven't a bio'ijcr 
stock on hand, we could get rich right now. 

Sandy. 
Luck is a big element in life, think John, of a. 
war being pulled off by the Kaiser, just at the right 
time to enable Tom to unload his pork and beans, 
without them being seasoned (he laughs) some 
luck. 

WilUanv. 
How much money have we made. 

T077l. 

Quite a bit, I tell you, don't you believe me, 1 
haven't had time to figure it all out just to a cent, 
our debts will be paid in full and we'll have a 
good piece of lagnappe. 

PoUy. 
AMiat's a lagnappe. 

To7n. 
Mexican for velvet. 

Folly. 

Velvet. 



i;u 



Tom. 
Plusli, the soft, silky feeling you get, Avhen you 
owe not any man, you look the whole world in the 
face, and tell them, to go plum to hell, knowing 
you've got your meal ticket. 

Emily. 
You are terrible. 

Tomfi, 
Terrible anxious, terrible angel to make you 
terribly happy. 

Emily. 
I am terribly scared and worried. 

Tom,, 
What are you worried about. 

Emily. 
About everything, you. 

Tom,. 
Me, honestly, gee I'm getting on, but — I thought 
you'd be delirious with ecstatic joy, your play to be 
produced, the family troubles disposed of, what's 
the pressure. 

Emily. 
Maybe I ought to be happy, I really am anxious 
to hear about the play. 

Tom,. 
It's thrilling. 

Emily. 
These profits. 

Tom. 
Do you think I didn't make enough. Well, I do 
say. 



135 



Emily. 
Do you think it exactly right to profiteer on the 
soldiers ? 

Tom, 
Oh ! Go on, they are not our soldiers. 

Emily, 
They are fighting our battles, giving their lives 
for our security. 

Sandy, 
Good for you my lassie. 

Tonu, 

Washington is full of Captains of Industry, they 
are selling every thing to Europe, from shoe laces 
to battle ships, the Allies need the supplies. Uncle 
Sam ^ill make so much money out of this war, he 
\N'on't know what to do with his wealth, we'll he 
the richest nation on the earth. 

Emily. 
It isn't right or fair to prosper and fatten on 
the misery of others. 

Tom<, 
You don't seem to understand, they have got to 
have our material, we are doing them a gTeat favor 
to give them what they need. 

Emily. 
1 know, but — if — 

Tom^. 

There isn't any but or if to it, take our pork and 
beans, we happen to have this very needful and 
valuable merchandise, why shouldn't we get a good 
price for it. 



136 

Emily. 
It's to horrible to contemplate. 

John, 
There is something in Emily's argument. 

WilliawA. 
Unless you have money to work with, what good 
can you- do in this world. 

Torm, 
Now you've said something. 

Sandy. 
Unless you get it, in the right way, nothing that 
you do counts. 

Emily. 
Making a fortune, out of the blood, shed upon a 
battlefield is pretty sorry money. 

Sandy. 
It isn't a very good foundation for happiness. 

William^. 
I can tell you one thing, being broke hasn't any 
smiles in it. 

Tom^. 
This is academic discussion, we've got the money, 
nobody is going to vote to give it away. 

WilliamA. 
How much did you put in, iv^e've got the money. 

Tom. 
1 put in all the profits, do you get that Bill. 



137 



Emily, 
It seems to me we ought to think of the boys, 
Avho are dying that Ave may live in peace. 

Tom% 
They are not our boys, besides we didn't get 
them in the mess. 

William. 
Europe's been in the war business for thousands 
of years. 

TorYK 

And always will be in it — it's the best little thing 
they do. 

Emily. 
That may all be true, nevertheless, we should be 
happy and content, if w^e get enough out of this 
sale to pay all of our debts, and quit at that. 

William. 
And than. 

Tom^, 
But darling, w^hat are you going to do with our 
profits. 

Emily. 
Give them to the Red Cross. 

Polly. 
That's right, for poor Uelgium. 

Tom. 
You're joking, don't — 

Emily. 
I w^as never more serious in my life. 



138 



Tom, 
Honest, lose all of tMs hard earned money. 

William, 
After all we've suffered. 

EmAly. 
Money really means very little, it is a relative 
tiling, no one ever gets enough, of it, one person 
finds love in a violet, and another misses it in an 
orchid, we are seeing the verities of life laid bare 
in flanders field. 

Totrv^ 

You really don't mean to have me surrender all 
of my earnings. 

Emily. 
You said you loved me, you want me to be your 
wife, you swore you'd make any sacrifice. 

Tom, 
I will. 

Emily, 
You have my test, have we the capacity for sa- 
crifice. 

Tom, 
Then you'll marry me. 

Emily. 
Yes. 

Tom. 
Why I'd give up the whole wide world for you. 

Sandy. 
What about the play. 



139 



Tom. 
Coming home on the train, I met our producer, 
I told him the story of the play. He's going to 
put it on at once. 

Emily. 
How could you tell him the play, you've never 
heard a line of it. 

Tom. 
Is that so, I know every line in it. 

Emily. 
How can you. 

Tom. 
I swiped your manuscript one day, and had it 
copied, I memorized every line, I made up my mind 
to be the bridge in the Bridge of Tolls. 

John. 
( Getting up from his chair and starts to leave. ) 
I am going to work today, it is still forenoon 
(looking at his watch). 

Sandy. 
I'll go with you John. 

William,. 
I am going with you Dad. 

John. 
Going where, what's that. 

William. 
Back to the law, where I belong. 

Ma/ry. 
Aunt Polly, let's go down \ovn\, and buy a big 
lot of yarn, I want to learn to knit. 



140 



Polly. 
Hot pork and beans (laughs), seasoned 
(laughs), that's what I've missed in my life 
(laughs), seasoning (they exit). 

Emily. 
(Starts forward and sits down on an old fa- 
shioned cross faced settee.) Isn't it good to be 
alone. 

Tom. 
All alone after the crowd is gone. 

Emily. 
All alone. 

Tofn. 
We've crossed the bridge of tolls. 

Emily. 
One of them, there are many. 

Tom. 
I know I can cross them all with your love and 
help, what is that out there? 

Emily. 
What. 

Tom. 

Oh! I see. 

In the fairy land of the heart's desire, I see a 
bridge, I see (a shadowed picture is thrown of 
Tom, Emily and little ones). 

Curtain. 



:i7317- 



